Leaving School.

Get a mug of whatever you're drinking. This is going to be a rather lengthy one I think.

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I've mentioned briefly how I'm about to do exams. And how I'm moving school. And now it's all just become real and here I am on a lovely Thursday late afternoon (too sunny to say it's evening) writing about that. No matter what, if I can get my thoughts down in a paragraph then they always sound funnier/more interesting/ and generally better. I feel revitalised, as if I've had a long rant to someone. Which is why I set up on this blog. Yet I still rant a lot in real life....Huh. I'll have to examine that thought a bit later. 

School kind of takes over your life. Even if you don't care, fail all your subjects and then leave by throwing eggs at teachers, it's still a big part. School is where you meet some of your first friends. It was for me. Occasionally; it's where you first fall in love. Which once again: it was for me. You gain some of your first experiences there with a fresh, young mind and you tend to learn a lot about the world around you even though you're not entirely aware of that. For instance; learning how to apply a piece of knowledge in the form of a pamphlet or poster can be useful in your future. Education theory is that we should teach skills like this but still let the teachers give out some facts about their topic. 

And socially? The same thing happens, I think. I love when people compare Politics to Over grown school boys as it's very true. I'm a bit of a social enigma (which we'll get to) and I see how rumours spread and how people hold things to get a moment in the action. How there are alpha males, leaders, the quiet folk and those who are forever competing against one another to try and be at "the top" (said-main Political role i.e. Prime Minster etc.) of some social chain. These lessons are almost as important as the ones you'll learn in your said-lessons as it happens everywhere in life. Just these feuds are more childish...apparently. 

Anyway I think I've avoided this for long enough: I think it's time to walk you through my experience here. Perhaps about what I've learnt and what I've done and what really leaving school does mean in a lot of ways to me. and I'm doing this tonight as I want to treat tomorrow as a big of a celebration with my friends. (We're going to sign T-Shirts and go to the beach and all this other stuff. I think the T-Shirt thing is a bit silly, it feels like some sort of way to sign for some Mayan Ritual where the Gods wish to see my marks across me or something but what do I know?). 

Let's go from the beginning. As beginnings are what I'm....in-between at. I'm BAD at ending things and very good with that in-between phase, the middle if you like but starting stuff can be horrific. Which, ironically, is how my time in Secondary School began. I thought even though I was 5'11 at 11 years old and called Ulysses and had a plait and loud and obnoxious and a know-it-all this could be a new start for me. I'd been given an opportunity to have a new start by being in a separate class to my friends (who I cared for and still do, deeply, but I wanted a reintroduction chance). 

That didn't go well. I was supposedly a super-genius but didn't have the grades to show it. I came across as a patronising smart arse who thought he was better then everyone else. I was rather, emotionally, stupidly sensitive. I was "one of those kids." To make matters worse, my friend Jacob and I had a bit falling out that made no sense with context. I'd let out 12 years of suppressed rage at a big brother, friends, parents and practically most people who'd ever picked on me on his neck. I still haven't quite forgiven myself for that yet as he got the brunt end of the stick. (Though we cool now). 

And finally, I think the icing on the cake was when I was convinced that I was hearing voices in my head that were telling me bad things and even named it and gave it its own personality. Because I had imaginary friends and the way my brain decided to deal with everything go wrong in my life (such as my Nain dying, my Dad moving away and my falling out with my friend) was to decide to give me this horrific thing. I have such a horrible brain and to think this was only the beginning of it behaving like a complete and utter arsehole. So by the end of Year 7 - I was a bit "fragile." 

I don't really remember much of my next year. Except that my friend Eilir (who was and is my "Form buddy") burnt me when we cooked toast in Chemistry. Though I do remember by this bit, my brain was settling down and I was in therapy throughout most of this year. I speak quite candidly because; mental health is just like physical health and I consider myself an amateur who assists on raising the awareness. ANYWAY there were good things about this year: I had gotten close with Eilir and with Tom. I'd began to TableTop Roleplay and this is a huge hobby of mine now. People hadn't warmed to me yet and I think that takes a while but I seemed to have a quiet time of it. Though huge patches in my memory are gone so I can't talk too much about it. 

By this point, I hadn't learn anything. I was still questioning life's general unfairness as some sort of 13 year old who would fight his way through each minor battle and I hadn't learnt to be more graceful in company. In fact I think this was the beginning of the sort of person I would later become. I think it's best that I get onto my third year. Which is not too eventful until its end. But by this point, I'd become friends with a lot of new people and started to patch up with Jacob (but it wasn't really 'till the end that happened - a LOT of stuff happened him to this year). 

Erh, I think I ran FROST this year. For those of you who were involved in FROST then you'll know of its convoluted badassery that was rather awesome and how I really came into my prime creatively. I was really writing a lot and had began to string ideas together. My friendships were alright, afloat as it were and I think the "girl" (the lovely Paige) had begun to hang out with us. Which was a symbol in our friends group as: our friends group never had a girl who was well, meant to be in the group. And that was nice and things were beginning to expand - because by now our group is HUGE. I'll hopefully have a photo of us up soon enough. 

Oh yeah...I met a girl this year. I'm not going to name her as she may try and cut me' throat but I will talk about it. Well what can I say? She was someone who I'd gotten a huge crush on. She was sarcastic, intelligent and had this way of leaving me a bit mystified. And though she didn't behave like the nicest of humans beings at times and maybe I should still be mad I can't help but think things went wrong on my corner and that really, I should remember the magic about her. I think, as she hasn't exited out story, that I'll call her "Summer." Yes, I think that's rather good. 

Anyway - Summer broke my heart in...summer would you believe? But life moved on even though I was down in the dumps about it. I'd began to embrace being an actor outside of school and had been enjoying a few things around me. I guess I was quite up and down throughout a lot of my third year but slowly people had started to accept me and I found myself with friends across the year. (Such as Luce - we had a chat until midnight on MSN that I don't think I'll ever quite forget. And let me say this now: big regret is that we never did more of that stuff and I decided in Year 10 to be a prat to you because I was intimidated by your intelligence. Treat this as a public apology of that).

Then we get to possibly the lowest point in my school life and in school life generally. Year 10. I'd been buried by work. I met another girl who I practically got obsessed with and then she unfortunately said no. I felt alone as I realised despite Tomos and I's closeness we were very, very different people and I lacked companionship while everyone else seemed to have it. I'd been jealous of everyone, my insecurities had begin to catch up with me and my brain, who's a horrible thing, then hated me. And to this day I still have to get up and say "I am good enough for this world." 

My brain did what a lot of lonely brains do and what a lot of self-hating brains do: go to suicide. And I know this'll upset people and so I'm not going to go into great detail but as you can imagine that makes you not very happy with the world. And in my great hour of loneliness my best friend Tom sat and listened to me. He just stood there with me as I told our lovely head of Year and for a moment of hopelessness, I didn't feel alone. And I want everyone who reads this and anyone I meet to know that you're never ever alone. Because there are ALWAYS people there. Tom already knows of my appreciation and I won't go into detail more then that. 

I go back to how School teachers you about life's sometime unfairness. A lot of my battles were consisted of  me trying to fight that unfairness. But sometimes the best thing to do is just accept it and let the chaos of the world come into your life as SOMEWHERE along the lines it all works out for you. Over time, I'd realised I was a leader-type figure to my friends and was actually respected by them. Over this time, I was in the midst of repatching with Jacob to make us the close friends we are now. But I was down for a LONG time and I know that people in school, my friends, surrounded me with love and care. And I want to thank you for that.

I also decided it'd be a good idea to pursue Summer again just as we'd gotten our friendship again. BECAUSE I'M A FREAKING GENIUS. This was the bit where she didn't behave nicely. And I did a lot of things wrong but I don't think I deserved it, looking back. But you know, you learn from these experiences. Between the two girls I'd just tried to go after: I was done. It was me, friends and RPGing with school on the side. This was my life and I'd just slowly started to enjoy then suddenly...she came into my life. Her whirlwind of a life stumbled into mine around this time last year. 

Who do I speak of? Tels. Yes, we'll call her Tels. She and I were on the same level and could chat for hours. We can still chat for hours. And she became my best friend as I found myself just pouring my heart more then the average time (which IS saying something). And I know this sounds shallow but generally - I look at friends who are girls differently to how I look at girls I like. I'm very seldom rare to use the word "beautiful" but there are about 3-4 girls who make the exception. The day she became one of those I realised that the inevitable had happened: I. STARTED. TO. LIKE-LIKE. HER. And suddenly rockets began to crash in my brain and I sounded a huge alarm. 

I contacted Tom. He told me not to act. I didn't. Then I had exams and then a party celebrating's my Step-Dad's half birthday. I got drunk. Then I decided I was God's Gift to Women and told her. We chatted until the early hours of the morning and agreed to meet at a sane hour. We did and I found myself with a girlfriend at the end of the day. If you know me well enough - you'll know I'm a big romantic and incredibly emotional. And well, I was all those things AND MORE during my relationship. Aaaaaaand then it all came to a crash course early December (I did blog post). 

So I was gutted. I'd began Year 11 by this point, btw, and began to slowly fall back into depressed patterns. Grades were slipping, my focus off and I'd not been the greatest of boyfriends. My way of dealing with it was burying myself in the School musical and suddenly my grades picked up a bit. I was cold, antisocial nad wasn't a very nice person for a bit. I changed my mind about what I wanted to do a lot and couldn't settle. And I think Tels and myself know what we're doing, kind of. I would like to say she's still my best friend and that's wonderful - even with its section of complexity.

Time has slipped right through. I've been saying about moving for Sixth Form because my education is through the medium of Welsh and seeing as I can barely speak English properly I think the Welsh is pulling me down. On top of that - currently everyone knows me. I talked much much earlier about how I'm a social engima. By now my popularity's gone into full swing and I'm still my "group leader" if you like but I've also branched out to everyone. I say hello to random strangers, have lovely chats and are a complete socialite. Girls have been subjected to my flirting (sorry gals) and boys have been subjected to mad jokes or something I'll have. 

And so I've risen. I've become somewhat of a great titan in my over-confident moments and just a guy who everyone knows in the more humble. I'm bright, hard working and feeling close to people. Generally, I'd say I'm ending school on a happy note. I am friends with most people as I've become rather aloof about a lot of things as to be honest: what is the point of caring? I've got some wonderful friends: Jacob, Curt, Tom, Amy, Kallum (my great sidekick), Paige and Jordan to name but a few. I've got others around who I can have cracking chats with. And people I'm going to letter write to. 

My Mother, the wisest and most lovely woman I know, said to me "the people who matter will stay in your life. You'll have to do the running around though - arranging things. But you'll remember: they're worth it." And that's kind of wonderful. I'll remember that so in a lot of ways, as much as I won't have the same interaction I don't think I'm leaving them. And here's the bit of this rather exstensive blog post where I talk about leaving and what I'll miss and what not. As the history is...interesting (and THAT is the condensed version). 

I'm going to miss my Friends AKA the NERDS. I've mentioned friends all across the map and each of them are just....brilliant in their own way. I'm right, I have served as a father to the pack and I'm proud of this role. And I'm going to miss running RPGs off the top of my head off loose ideas with you gunea pigs (You know who you are!) And days like today where we took the mick out of little kids as they tried to annoy me and failed. It was rather glorious. And that sort of thing MAY not happen in my new school as I'll be a respected Sixth Former (maybe...)

And then my Mega-Dega friend Jacob. And Tomo who I wrote something for today and can't quite remember what I said. Curtis, who's recently blossomed into one amazing GM, I will miss you a lot. But I have ideas that you and I must pursue and it's going to be AWESOME. Curt is one of my oldest friends, I juuust about met him before Jacob. I don't think it's goodbye because I'm far too attached as a person and will continue to pester you three. Then there's Amy - thanks for everything. I still have too much to say to you as usual and I'm sorry and thank you and you are just wonderful. 

Seriously. (I think I'll probably have a bit more to say just not a blog, m'rite?) I'll missed being "That Guy". It's been fun but also time consuming as sometimes you're expected to perform. But it's been fun and I'm glad that I've got that new slate. It has been nice either being laughed with or at, I've never quite been sure. But you take that in your stride and continue. And I'll miss some of the great laughs I've had and the general craziness that sometimes would ensue. But I'm hoping just because that thing that's owned our lives has gone, our bonds are strong enough to last. 

I'm hesitant about ending things as I think everyone's going to leave me. But tonight, I remember: I have friends who will not. The changes to come may put strains upon us but we will do this. Of that I'm sure. And hell - it'll be fucking awesome to have a new terrain to explore and new people to meet and greet. (And plus, the Superdorkism Mythos will expand in size with us all going to new places!) 

I've said also that our best jokes have come out of the last two weeks. That's not true, I've realised. Our jokes have always been golden even at their most crude as the laughter is between that of great friends. And if you HATE school remember: we met there. And that is kind of awesome. Now, I have more to say but a lot of other things to do so sign a T-Shirt for the Mayan Gods then let's get a roll on with exams...Then? PARTY TIME!