My Found Pacifism.

Months ago, I was going to talk about why I punched a wall in my school. It broke some plastic and that. And that wasn't about the reason as that's my break up. And I'm not really wanting to talk about any of that. To swiftly move on - I was going to talk more about my anger issues. I'm quite an angry person, or have been in the past. I could yell, cuss and just lose any coherence. Then eventually - I'd get violent. And I hate this side of me and have battled my own uncontrollable anger problems but now? Now they've settled.

I use to be violent. One person could calm me down because when we were 7 years old he pledged to me he would say "Uly, just stop" the best he could. And that voice would drown it out. I never thanked you for that Curt so here it is now. After a while, that didn't work entirely. I attacked quite a few people - including a few friends. I just ended up seeing red and generally, as a peaceful kid, I thought that it almost wasn't me. Took me a long time to realise that it was just a lot of angst within my soul that would leap out and grab a moment where I would just let loose.

Sometimes I think I'm more honest when angry. I speak my mind, have no filter but am incredibly empathetic, or try to be. The whole "walk a mile in his shoes" thing pops to my head. And sometimes I don't actually think about what I actually want to do and let it all out in a heated moment. It takes away from what I said as I "was trapped in anger". And I guess as a very opinionated guy it's surprising to hear but sometimes I really do because I don't want to hurt people. I really, really don't. I get upset whenever I hear I've scared anyone or anything.

And basically, over time, I've tried to get out of the habit of violence. I am a BIG guy. I'm 6''07 and have long arms. When I actually do apply my strength, I can do damage. I've been careful hugging people because I might crush them. And that's awfully sad and it does hurt sometimes (emotionally, not physically for me). So when I'm angry and using that strength is very very bad. On top of that, I generally "intimidate" people with my body language emulating power. So people end up frightened and don't have a conversation.

This makes arguing about stuff with me impossible, too. I just end up "seeing red" and don't act like a human. But already, I'm trying to build out of this habit. And this is why I called this post "my found pacifism." Because after punching a wall and just hitting a very angry point I realised how much it was not helping me and how much it was going to get in my way. As a back-up for comicbook writing, I want to teach. Imagine a History Teacher with a horrific bad attitude? It'll put off the subject even more then the natural stigma towards it (but I plan to inspire!)

Politically, I've seen it too. I can't go work into politics not because of the overgrown school boys or the lies or the corruption but the idea of being near the military/defense budgets. I'd unemploy every soldier, decommission every tank and then I'd use the rest of the budget itself to get rid of the fucking appalling statistic of 1 in 6 children who are currently on the streets. Frankly, we shouldn't be warring against nations for "crimes against humanity" if POVERTY AMONG CHILDREN is widspread.

For those complaining about the soldiers' money - I'll go on a public mass opinion of taking the ridiculous salaries of the multi-millionaires and footballers. (Though that's me being a socialist so I'll move on from that). I think it's never possible to get to "global pacifism" achieved but my point stands. I can't obide war, militants and militaries any more. Maybe I'll go protest against them, even. Bit hippieish but you know - that's how I feel. I feel angry at myself that I've raised my first at people before and have just turned around being violent.

I have been angry. Angry at myself, at people and sometimes even at the world. I don't follow enough shitty things happening as I end up angry. With UKIP's success in the local councils for instance, I could talk about my anger for hours but won't. As I'm beginning to learn the best thing to do is just let it go. And it's simple but so difficult at the same time. Because when you are angry for a long time it does take over. Which is why "rants" is before ramblings. Because I made a blog to get some of my anger out on paper because I always sound better when written down (except CVs).

Hell, this blog has an angry tone. And I try to keep my cool over things as generally, like I said earlier, getting angry doesn't help. People don't take me seriously or in fact are scared. I try to be approachable but fail because of spurs like this (or who knows, maybe it's just being tall and loud that puts people off?) Anyway, I digress. There was a moment - when I hit a wall - where I realised an attitude adjustment was needfed. Which has taken a lot of time and patience as I've learnt to deal differently.

I want to say I'm just like Bruce Banner "always angry" or something. But I guess it's a case of healthy ranting and then going over it before calmly approaching the subject with someone. Hell, sometimes it's just leaving it a little while then having a chat. Or finally - letting it wash away completely. As violence, as attacks - they won't work. Being combative only means you'll have some blood over your hands at the end of the day, right? I've become a lot more...aloof. Over time, I've learnt that sometimes just having my opinion out there on something isn't always worth it. I've noticed attitude changes but I don't think anyone else has really. Ah well.

I'm trying to quit smacking Tomo around. I do it jokingly and because I'm weird sometimes with physical affection (for another post...) but I'm trying to get out of the habit. As even that is against what I believe and I'm definitely a man of my beliefs. Which appear to be socialism and agnosticism and isolationism and pacifism. Or maybe I'm just trying to cool down, m'right? I'm hoping that I have more control and that actually I'm a lot more easy to approach with things. I will of course get angry like any other human but I will not just be boiling rage.

Finally...the passion I hold in anger is something I will hold deeply. But I will always attempt, and have been attempting, to not raise my fists at anyone. Ever.