Arguing and failure and why am I posting?

Already, I'm taking this "being more open" thing a bit more. Got in an argument with a close friend. Really big one, I don't want to discuss details but I feel sick, I've been crying slightly and I'm just a big ball of sadness and rage. I can't shake it which means I'm probably going to have stay up until I can cleanse myself slightly before sleeping. (Always a rough night if I go to bed angry). I want to do many things but the only thing I can think of right now that makes any sense is grab some hot chocolate, maybe even some chocolate and hope that things will be better when I wake up tomorrow. Have a shower, get dressed. You know - live. I'm a bad motivational speaker. But this isn't about you.

To make myself feel better, I wrote this:

I'm wanting tomorrow to be better,

But first I have to get there, 

so let's live the night 

as best we can, with tears

and maybe beer and food. 

Some good loving, 

some tender caring. 

Tomorrow will be better,

but first I have to get there.

And it's shit. Ah well. Now to eat. 

How I run my blog.

A few weeks ago, I was chatting with a family member who I hadn't seen in a while. They asked me:

"So what's new?" And, naturally, I got them more or less up-to-date with what was happening in my life. One of the things I mentioned was my blog; it's somewhere people can read and really get to know me. But she said something in reply to this:

"Well be careful! Don't post everything up there, you never know who might be reading." It's a very fair point. I don't know who is reading. And while I respect and love this person, I disagree with them here.

Originally I was strict with what I said and how I mentioned people. Nowadays, I'm a bit more lax. For instance, I mention Jacob by name because he uses his blog as much if not more than I use mine. So he seems to be okay having his name up there online. For me, it's sort of the same thing. I'm beginning to realise how much you can learn from a glance of a facebook page. In that sense, I think I share less information here then I do there!

But anyway: I've made the cognisant decision of having a blog where I talk about my life and whatever takes my fancy. And sometimes, I even shy away from that. I want to talk sometimes about my spirituality and theological beliefs (as they're kind of important to me) and of my political stances. But I always feel under pressure to please people in life, despite my exterior not showing that all the time. If you know me, I think it comes across quite obvious.

However: not here. This is my goddamn blog. And there are risks for sharing so much and it can be weird if someone's read something first. But I'm really beginning to simply not giving a flying fuck about that. This space on the internet, on blogger, has been mine for some time and I want it to be mine. And it's about time that I really start embracing that a bit more.

I've stopped swearing as much on here because I've not wanted to offend. The advantage has come with me using my extensive vocabulary! The qualm I have with this is that I'm doing something on my "space" for other people. I stop posting about things that I think people won't agree with or something and really, the important thing to remember: it's my blog. And if people don't like it, they'll stop reading. And truth be told - that does frighten me. What if NO ONE agrees with me? Then I think about it.

WHO CARES. If you don't, let's have the debate. Let's argue our points then agree to disagree. And if you can't even do that; don't come back to read. It's really as simple as that. I'll blog derogatory comments or whatever, I'm just going to post. But really; this doesn't matter anyway. Only my friends read my blog at the moment and even then that's not strictly true. I don't know who reads it unless they reference. But maybe one day, Rants and Ramblings will branch out.

Ah, who cares. This is my space. And it's going to be whatever the fuck I want it to be.

(More to come!)

Here's a chair. Why? BECAUSE I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

My dream.

It's late at night and I've just had a sudden yearn to share some quick anecdote with you all.

When I was younger, from around 5-9, I use to have a reoccurring dream. I would walk downstairs from some stairway to a green polka-dot green table (the dots being white) and sit down at the chair. The whole kitchen was pink and there were windows to my left and in front of me. A mother figure, clad in your 50s housewife attire, would stand there doing dishes. I would hear a murmur of the following:

"Good morning," she would begin. "Would you like some cereal?" Now this is perfectly normal. Sure the American accent is off as I'm British but that's because of being introduced to a lot of American television. No, what was strange was the second this woman turned over, her blonde hair would be gone and face would not greet me. Instead, her head was a Spider. Staring with its beady black eyes, I would try to yelp but had lost all sound. She'd stand with yellow gloves and a white apron holding just one dish just above the sink.

This dream occurred several times over during my childhood, intensifying my arachnophobia to the point where even now affects me. But when I was 9 and sick of this awful dream, something much unexpected happened. As this dream began to play out, I also had a memory playing by its side (unusual for a dream, I know but the brain's an odd place at night time).

Suddenly I would see Zandy at Christmas time in his orange shirt and red trousers about to put on a cracker hat and take up a seat. And for some reason this managed to calm me right down. I can remember everything about him so clearly, only with the Dinning Room altering. While this story and dream are probably not very important I guess it's time to say thanks to Zandy for offering me such safety on this awful reoccurring dream.

Sweet dreams. Because I've had sour ones - not very nice!

Why Star Wars got it a bit wrong.

OK, so I've just started the Belgariad (series of fantasy novels by the late David Eddings - worth a read) and it has one of the classic character who's got some big destiny. I like this idea as it's one that Sci-Fi and fantasy, and stories in general, indoctrinate you with. I'm not going to bore anyone with the history of the concept but I can assure you it's most definitely to do with Hamlet and Shakespeare and then all the old folk tales that Shakespeare picked up over the years and made plays out of.

Anyway, this idea of a destiny hero turns up in some of my favourite stories: Star Wars, Lord of the Rings (Frodo + Aragon) and various others. But I really got thinking about the Star Wars destiny thing. Of course, throughout prequels and originals, it is central within the plot. And Luke was the Jedi and everything but...I'm really starting to think they got a few things wrong with that. Which I know, all my friends and Star Wars fans everywhere will go: "How're you even saying these things?!"

So hear me out: Luke Skywalker's meant to start off as a simple farm boy but develop as a character to someone rather awesome. Yet, I feel that his character development happened more in the expanded universe (I've read a fair amount outside of the six movies). His character starts off as naive and yeah - he loses his life on Tattooine because of the stuff that goes down. Then they go to the Death Star of course and that's all pretty cool. Then Ben dies. Which sucks, I know it does.

And it's already been pointed out but: Leia comforts him after the death of some old man he met in the desert after losing her ENTIRE FAMILY AND PLANET. And Luke sits there...he genuinely sits there and whines for a while. And yes, you can argue in Empires he starts to grow some balls, I will admit he's much more of a soldier character by Empires and even by Return of the Jedi but in a lot of ways? Even at the end of his fight with Vader, Luke's still a bit....puny. Which maybe I'm just being to snooty and all but you never go: "oh boy Luke deserves all the girls" in the same with Han.

Maybe it's the casting. And I can feel the burning of either my radiator (it's cold in my house) or the screams of 1,000 fanboys on this issue. And I know everyone won't see it in my light but I'm still holding my points. Luke's most badass moment was when he threatened Jabba. FREAKING LOVE THAT SCENE. Then you've  got....him. Annie. Fucking Annie. Now, the kid I don't mind. Yes, Phantom came with issues like Lindsay Lohan comes with drugs in her purse to her Grandmother's birthday party but nonetheless - you can't exactly despise a nine year old. Yet....YET.

They had a chance to cast someone decent and they didn't.  From everyone out there, they chose someone who made Anakin seem like a whiny man child who really isn't anything like how he was ever described. Me being a Star Wars Nerd, I point to how Ben Kenobi describes Luke's Father as this sort of Jedi General War Hero who also happened to be the best pilot in the Galaxy. But we didn't get that. Hell, I think there was a cheer when Anakin became Darth Vader. And it's a shame. Because it would've been great if we could've had an Anakin Skywalker who turned into Darth Vader and for everyone to go: "OH GOD, WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS!!!"

Yeah, his arrogance is needed. To just give him that edge so that he'll be impressionable. And Anakin could've been cooler. And it could've been such a better way to introduce the story instead of the poor way they did it. Though, I still love the Saga, the characters, the universe and mostly everything about Star Wars.

A Stump.

Geddit?

OK. It's Friday night and it's been a week where I had my first exam. Which went alright overall - I'm not good at judging my performance. Once I sat an exam and thought I'd done really badly but got an A so who knows how it's turned out? Revision has been painfully slow and generally I'm now flat out exhausted. But I've got writing projects/ideas that I need to get down on paper. But I've got a stump. Writing this blog post now is even difficult. I stopped believing in Writer's Block a while back because it's just a state of mind. Either you write or procrastinate. And I'm trying to write my RPG stuff, RPG System, "Superdorkism", my real Superhero stuff AND an idea for a Sci-Fi short story AND alternate history but nothing is working. I've just tried doing a sentence or two on my System stuff -- it's hurting. 

Creatively I'm at an all time high to compensate with the stress. I'm quite calm and that's because my brain is over-using the left side because I've been taxing the right side of my brain a lot. I want plans to work and already feel filled up in my summer. So my brain oozes out everywhere and thoughts are incomplete/make little sense. Earlier this week I tried ranting about a Spot cream advert (and spot cream adverts in general) and how they make me feel uncomfortable by getting people with perfect skin to try these products. It's stupid and it annoys me. But the blog post itself made no sense and it really was BAD. I don't redraft, not often anyway. That's because I have a LOT of ideas and don't have the time. 

I've got a fast brain. I'd like to think that means I'm clever but it just might mean I'm secretly ADHD. Because of this - ideas float around and play out in my head. I have to get them down on paper before that happens. It's very difficult and part of the reason I'm put off the idea of writing professionally and why I like being a GM. I get to interact with my ideas with people who are new to them. It's a good way to get my idea out and not lose it forever. Because some of my notes are compiled by other people's recollections and my own. (Just trying to be more organised though - I end up making a lot of my plot-lines very convoluted and contradicting mid-Game!)

Right now, I can't get into gear about anything. In my third thing about me is I talk about how I can be very unmotivated. I've got these ideas and want to do all these things but some how or another I lack any energy to do them. So instead I'm sat at the end of a day going: "Well shit, another day wasted." And it's becoming an increasing problem as some of my projects have set-times and I want to get them out of the way. Things are looking rather bleak at the moment. Though I am wondering if that's because I lack routine and am not doing much to ensure I build one. Very easy to become sluggish.

I probably need a trip up the mountain. Or to hang out with friends. Or some bloody thing where I can just re-cooperate. A retreat possibly. I don't know - most are saying "we have exams!" But I really cannot give up halfway through a bunch of ideas just so I can study. I've had a nice balance of the two but these past couple of days, EVERYTHING has been a mess. Lots of arguing, lots of late nights and lots of bloody nothingness. Maybe I'm on a low. Gosh, aren't blog posts the place to try to sort out one's brain? 

Anyway. I have a bunch of stuff I want to post but don't have the determination to. I need to get some mojo back. If anyone can think of something to help me with that - please just contact me with a suggestion/some advice. It'd be really helpful.

HOW PETER AND I MET.

So there I was - minding my own business when this really short guy comes down the street. I greet the short fellow with a brief "hello" until there - I realise - it is Robin! "O mighty Robin!" I yell, "Many winters have passed since our meeting. And then Robin went: "Ah yes brave knight? Have you met mine friend, o Mighty Peter of HELSBY?" Then you came along and we shook our pastie white hands. Thus, we soon became allies! Then, as months passed, I began to the magiks of Cthulhu. With this, I gathered brave knights from all over the land!

And Sir Robin and Peter were the ones up for it from the foreign lands. Thus, we began a fortnightly ritual. Alas, Sir Robin began to wane in his power and was soon killed. Yet thy bravery was great and you soon were ready to slay anything in front of you. (And listen to my whines about girls). And as time passed - we became close allies. And you were given a Peerage of Moofinshire, becoming Lord Peter Helsby!

And I was Uly.

And then we were friends! AND STARTED WRITING SUPERHEROES.

The end.

Revision Log#3: Learn more about Uly's volunteering!

(Realised this was not posted, though it's set before my recent revision log! Silly Uly!)

I volunteered for six hours and this basically took everything out of me. It's May Day thus really busy and in the local town/the location of the place where I volunteer had a huge fun fair on. Which lasts 3 days. For retailers and cafes and the like, it's one of the busiest weekends of the year in our local area. I'm fairly new to my volunteering so doing a full six hour shift with some of the rudest customers I've faced so far was rather painful. See, a lot of people were being demanding or thinking we were trying to con them and really - it was just that I was the only staff member on the till. We had a stall outside which was constantly flowing and it meant that it was rather hectic and hard to keep track. PLUS, Jacob and Curt (a dynamic duo, Jackie Boy being my bloggin' buddy) decided to be a pain in the arse for a while - THANKS FOR THAT GUYS and I had to make sure they weren't disturbing the environment too much. This was a tough day and trying to do anything was already hard seeing as I'd travelled 240 miles in less then two days on Saturday and Sun visiting the Hudds, revision was not an option by the end of the day.

Roll on next week and I hope that more is done.

Spider-Man Comics but Past Papers. What a good day!

I opted in going to school today, feeling my day would be full of vibrant productive revision.

This was, however, a completely incorrect assumption. 

It wasn't out of lack of try. OK, so that's a lie. I really didn't work today because I went in with the mentality that one of my teachers would have my head on a stick if she saw me tomorrow and I hadn't turned up today. Thus I felt obligated - out of fear - to attend. And while the session had offered some useful tips it seemed like they were common facts that I'd been aware beforehand. My day trekked on and I had no way of going home due to lack of funds for a bus. (Plus it's about 2 Buses from my school to where I live - one thing I love about moving school is that there's going to be a simple bus route!) 

I'm kind of better at home because I feel like there's a lot of free space and that I can lounge around in my dressing gown but still work hard. Though exam conditions will be nothing similar, I can adapt to those quite easily. Most of my revision has been reading over notes and making sure I crack down on old exam papers. This is how I learn and condense the information for exams. Sitting around in class with smaller classes then usual - aside the subjects I'm unsure in - is a bit useless to me. But if it suits you then I'm glad you have a way of studying, just it's not my way! 

Today did have perks. I messed about with friends who were trying to study (okay that was a perk for me) and then I brought in some Spider-Man comics as most of my year decided to travel to the town. I read a little bit and came home and resorted my Spider-Man. How I love the Webhead, I probably have quite a few rants about my love for him. I realised what's best suited as a way for me to revise so that's alright. And also finished off some work for some Science thing I'm doing. The best thing to do is just not ask about my Science Pathways Vocational Grade.

Anyway, this revision log is done. See you next time loverlies.

Revision Log#2

Currently listening to Frank Turner, popping outside for a break from inside. Not sure where my pencil case and notes are. Needing to probably get back home and dreading working tomorrow. Attempting not going to into school par Thursday. Yet I feel like I should even though I don't want to. Whatsoever. This rather unfair, I can sense a great deal of procrastination. Also: brain completely de-focused. Why do I want to become a Sixth Former? Could join the circus. Possibly cheaper. NOTE TO SELF: Chat to Mother about that one. See what she thinks about it as a viable economic plan. I'm very bad at self-study. IN FACT, I'm dreadful at self-study. Cannot do it, incapable. Uly, you are a fool.

A fool.

A fool.

A. FOOL.

Well, 'till the next one. 

My Found Pacifism.

Months ago, I was going to talk about why I punched a wall in my school. It broke some plastic and that. And that wasn't about the reason as that's my break up. And I'm not really wanting to talk about any of that. To swiftly move on - I was going to talk more about my anger issues. I'm quite an angry person, or have been in the past. I could yell, cuss and just lose any coherence. Then eventually - I'd get violent. And I hate this side of me and have battled my own uncontrollable anger problems but now? Now they've settled.

I use to be violent. One person could calm me down because when we were 7 years old he pledged to me he would say "Uly, just stop" the best he could. And that voice would drown it out. I never thanked you for that Curt so here it is now. After a while, that didn't work entirely. I attacked quite a few people - including a few friends. I just ended up seeing red and generally, as a peaceful kid, I thought that it almost wasn't me. Took me a long time to realise that it was just a lot of angst within my soul that would leap out and grab a moment where I would just let loose.

Sometimes I think I'm more honest when angry. I speak my mind, have no filter but am incredibly empathetic, or try to be. The whole "walk a mile in his shoes" thing pops to my head. And sometimes I don't actually think about what I actually want to do and let it all out in a heated moment. It takes away from what I said as I "was trapped in anger". And I guess as a very opinionated guy it's surprising to hear but sometimes I really do because I don't want to hurt people. I really, really don't. I get upset whenever I hear I've scared anyone or anything.

And basically, over time, I've tried to get out of the habit of violence. I am a BIG guy. I'm 6''07 and have long arms. When I actually do apply my strength, I can do damage. I've been careful hugging people because I might crush them. And that's awfully sad and it does hurt sometimes (emotionally, not physically for me). So when I'm angry and using that strength is very very bad. On top of that, I generally "intimidate" people with my body language emulating power. So people end up frightened and don't have a conversation.

This makes arguing about stuff with me impossible, too. I just end up "seeing red" and don't act like a human. But already, I'm trying to build out of this habit. And this is why I called this post "my found pacifism." Because after punching a wall and just hitting a very angry point I realised how much it was not helping me and how much it was going to get in my way. As a back-up for comicbook writing, I want to teach. Imagine a History Teacher with a horrific bad attitude? It'll put off the subject even more then the natural stigma towards it (but I plan to inspire!)

Politically, I've seen it too. I can't go work into politics not because of the overgrown school boys or the lies or the corruption but the idea of being near the military/defense budgets. I'd unemploy every soldier, decommission every tank and then I'd use the rest of the budget itself to get rid of the fucking appalling statistic of 1 in 6 children who are currently on the streets. Frankly, we shouldn't be warring against nations for "crimes against humanity" if POVERTY AMONG CHILDREN is widspread.

For those complaining about the soldiers' money - I'll go on a public mass opinion of taking the ridiculous salaries of the multi-millionaires and footballers. (Though that's me being a socialist so I'll move on from that). I think it's never possible to get to "global pacifism" achieved but my point stands. I can't obide war, militants and militaries any more. Maybe I'll go protest against them, even. Bit hippieish but you know - that's how I feel. I feel angry at myself that I've raised my first at people before and have just turned around being violent.

I have been angry. Angry at myself, at people and sometimes even at the world. I don't follow enough shitty things happening as I end up angry. With UKIP's success in the local councils for instance, I could talk about my anger for hours but won't. As I'm beginning to learn the best thing to do is just let it go. And it's simple but so difficult at the same time. Because when you are angry for a long time it does take over. Which is why "rants" is before ramblings. Because I made a blog to get some of my anger out on paper because I always sound better when written down (except CVs).

Hell, this blog has an angry tone. And I try to keep my cool over things as generally, like I said earlier, getting angry doesn't help. People don't take me seriously or in fact are scared. I try to be approachable but fail because of spurs like this (or who knows, maybe it's just being tall and loud that puts people off?) Anyway, I digress. There was a moment - when I hit a wall - where I realised an attitude adjustment was needfed. Which has taken a lot of time and patience as I've learnt to deal differently.

I want to say I'm just like Bruce Banner "always angry" or something. But I guess it's a case of healthy ranting and then going over it before calmly approaching the subject with someone. Hell, sometimes it's just leaving it a little while then having a chat. Or finally - letting it wash away completely. As violence, as attacks - they won't work. Being combative only means you'll have some blood over your hands at the end of the day, right? I've become a lot more...aloof. Over time, I've learnt that sometimes just having my opinion out there on something isn't always worth it. I've noticed attitude changes but I don't think anyone else has really. Ah well.

I'm trying to quit smacking Tomo around. I do it jokingly and because I'm weird sometimes with physical affection (for another post...) but I'm trying to get out of the habit. As even that is against what I believe and I'm definitely a man of my beliefs. Which appear to be socialism and agnosticism and isolationism and pacifism. Or maybe I'm just trying to cool down, m'right? I'm hoping that I have more control and that actually I'm a lot more easy to approach with things. I will of course get angry like any other human but I will not just be boiling rage.

Finally...the passion I hold in anger is something I will hold deeply. But I will always attempt, and have been attempting, to not raise my fists at anyone. Ever.

Revision Log: Dododododhohohohoh I'm such an idiot.

At the Hudds currently AKA Dad's residence. Seeing as my first exams IS IN NINE DAYS I thought I'd bring all my stuff along with me. Past Papers, Notes etc. Turns out I remembered only some of my notes for Drama (forgetting the Play we're studying), none of my science notes and only a few of my History Ones. The only thing I do have in its entirety is Welsh Literature. Hoorah. I'm not very happy about this and now very shot as also, it's been a while since I've been here/seen the Father. It seems revision is slow and the notion of going into School for 4 Days for a revision week isn't appealing. Teachers are caring but stressed and are rather candid, it's an almost hostile environment to work in. I'm trying to self-study but failing miserably as I'm not home and I should've figured this would happen. Relaxing isn't an option but I feel exhausted and URGH THE WORLD ITSELF. I promised myself I would use this blog for constructive things not just me whining but I'm counting this as a god damn rant. I'm a horrific cycle and cannot break free and now have to try and sit down and really power through. It is the only thing I can do, right? 

Until the next Revision Log.

Leaving School.

Get a mug of whatever you're drinking. This is going to be a rather lengthy one I think.

--

I've mentioned briefly how I'm about to do exams. And how I'm moving school. And now it's all just become real and here I am on a lovely Thursday late afternoon (too sunny to say it's evening) writing about that. No matter what, if I can get my thoughts down in a paragraph then they always sound funnier/more interesting/ and generally better. I feel revitalised, as if I've had a long rant to someone. Which is why I set up on this blog. Yet I still rant a lot in real life....Huh. I'll have to examine that thought a bit later. 

School kind of takes over your life. Even if you don't care, fail all your subjects and then leave by throwing eggs at teachers, it's still a big part. School is where you meet some of your first friends. It was for me. Occasionally; it's where you first fall in love. Which once again: it was for me. You gain some of your first experiences there with a fresh, young mind and you tend to learn a lot about the world around you even though you're not entirely aware of that. For instance; learning how to apply a piece of knowledge in the form of a pamphlet or poster can be useful in your future. Education theory is that we should teach skills like this but still let the teachers give out some facts about their topic. 

And socially? The same thing happens, I think. I love when people compare Politics to Over grown school boys as it's very true. I'm a bit of a social enigma (which we'll get to) and I see how rumours spread and how people hold things to get a moment in the action. How there are alpha males, leaders, the quiet folk and those who are forever competing against one another to try and be at "the top" (said-main Political role i.e. Prime Minster etc.) of some social chain. These lessons are almost as important as the ones you'll learn in your said-lessons as it happens everywhere in life. Just these feuds are more childish...apparently. 

Anyway I think I've avoided this for long enough: I think it's time to walk you through my experience here. Perhaps about what I've learnt and what I've done and what really leaving school does mean in a lot of ways to me. and I'm doing this tonight as I want to treat tomorrow as a big of a celebration with my friends. (We're going to sign T-Shirts and go to the beach and all this other stuff. I think the T-Shirt thing is a bit silly, it feels like some sort of way to sign for some Mayan Ritual where the Gods wish to see my marks across me or something but what do I know?). 

Let's go from the beginning. As beginnings are what I'm....in-between at. I'm BAD at ending things and very good with that in-between phase, the middle if you like but starting stuff can be horrific. Which, ironically, is how my time in Secondary School began. I thought even though I was 5'11 at 11 years old and called Ulysses and had a plait and loud and obnoxious and a know-it-all this could be a new start for me. I'd been given an opportunity to have a new start by being in a separate class to my friends (who I cared for and still do, deeply, but I wanted a reintroduction chance). 

That didn't go well. I was supposedly a super-genius but didn't have the grades to show it. I came across as a patronising smart arse who thought he was better then everyone else. I was rather, emotionally, stupidly sensitive. I was "one of those kids." To make matters worse, my friend Jacob and I had a bit falling out that made no sense with context. I'd let out 12 years of suppressed rage at a big brother, friends, parents and practically most people who'd ever picked on me on his neck. I still haven't quite forgiven myself for that yet as he got the brunt end of the stick. (Though we cool now). 

And finally, I think the icing on the cake was when I was convinced that I was hearing voices in my head that were telling me bad things and even named it and gave it its own personality. Because I had imaginary friends and the way my brain decided to deal with everything go wrong in my life (such as my Nain dying, my Dad moving away and my falling out with my friend) was to decide to give me this horrific thing. I have such a horrible brain and to think this was only the beginning of it behaving like a complete and utter arsehole. So by the end of Year 7 - I was a bit "fragile." 

I don't really remember much of my next year. Except that my friend Eilir (who was and is my "Form buddy") burnt me when we cooked toast in Chemistry. Though I do remember by this bit, my brain was settling down and I was in therapy throughout most of this year. I speak quite candidly because; mental health is just like physical health and I consider myself an amateur who assists on raising the awareness. ANYWAY there were good things about this year: I had gotten close with Eilir and with Tom. I'd began to TableTop Roleplay and this is a huge hobby of mine now. People hadn't warmed to me yet and I think that takes a while but I seemed to have a quiet time of it. Though huge patches in my memory are gone so I can't talk too much about it. 

By this point, I hadn't learn anything. I was still questioning life's general unfairness as some sort of 13 year old who would fight his way through each minor battle and I hadn't learnt to be more graceful in company. In fact I think this was the beginning of the sort of person I would later become. I think it's best that I get onto my third year. Which is not too eventful until its end. But by this point, I'd become friends with a lot of new people and started to patch up with Jacob (but it wasn't really 'till the end that happened - a LOT of stuff happened him to this year). 

Erh, I think I ran FROST this year. For those of you who were involved in FROST then you'll know of its convoluted badassery that was rather awesome and how I really came into my prime creatively. I was really writing a lot and had began to string ideas together. My friendships were alright, afloat as it were and I think the "girl" (the lovely Paige) had begun to hang out with us. Which was a symbol in our friends group as: our friends group never had a girl who was well, meant to be in the group. And that was nice and things were beginning to expand - because by now our group is HUGE. I'll hopefully have a photo of us up soon enough. 

Oh yeah...I met a girl this year. I'm not going to name her as she may try and cut me' throat but I will talk about it. Well what can I say? She was someone who I'd gotten a huge crush on. She was sarcastic, intelligent and had this way of leaving me a bit mystified. And though she didn't behave like the nicest of humans beings at times and maybe I should still be mad I can't help but think things went wrong on my corner and that really, I should remember the magic about her. I think, as she hasn't exited out story, that I'll call her "Summer." Yes, I think that's rather good. 

Anyway - Summer broke my heart in...summer would you believe? But life moved on even though I was down in the dumps about it. I'd began to embrace being an actor outside of school and had been enjoying a few things around me. I guess I was quite up and down throughout a lot of my third year but slowly people had started to accept me and I found myself with friends across the year. (Such as Luce - we had a chat until midnight on MSN that I don't think I'll ever quite forget. And let me say this now: big regret is that we never did more of that stuff and I decided in Year 10 to be a prat to you because I was intimidated by your intelligence. Treat this as a public apology of that).

Then we get to possibly the lowest point in my school life and in school life generally. Year 10. I'd been buried by work. I met another girl who I practically got obsessed with and then she unfortunately said no. I felt alone as I realised despite Tomos and I's closeness we were very, very different people and I lacked companionship while everyone else seemed to have it. I'd been jealous of everyone, my insecurities had begin to catch up with me and my brain, who's a horrible thing, then hated me. And to this day I still have to get up and say "I am good enough for this world." 

My brain did what a lot of lonely brains do and what a lot of self-hating brains do: go to suicide. And I know this'll upset people and so I'm not going to go into great detail but as you can imagine that makes you not very happy with the world. And in my great hour of loneliness my best friend Tom sat and listened to me. He just stood there with me as I told our lovely head of Year and for a moment of hopelessness, I didn't feel alone. And I want everyone who reads this and anyone I meet to know that you're never ever alone. Because there are ALWAYS people there. Tom already knows of my appreciation and I won't go into detail more then that. 

I go back to how School teachers you about life's sometime unfairness. A lot of my battles were consisted of  me trying to fight that unfairness. But sometimes the best thing to do is just accept it and let the chaos of the world come into your life as SOMEWHERE along the lines it all works out for you. Over time, I'd realised I was a leader-type figure to my friends and was actually respected by them. Over this time, I was in the midst of repatching with Jacob to make us the close friends we are now. But I was down for a LONG time and I know that people in school, my friends, surrounded me with love and care. And I want to thank you for that.

I also decided it'd be a good idea to pursue Summer again just as we'd gotten our friendship again. BECAUSE I'M A FREAKING GENIUS. This was the bit where she didn't behave nicely. And I did a lot of things wrong but I don't think I deserved it, looking back. But you know, you learn from these experiences. Between the two girls I'd just tried to go after: I was done. It was me, friends and RPGing with school on the side. This was my life and I'd just slowly started to enjoy then suddenly...she came into my life. Her whirlwind of a life stumbled into mine around this time last year. 

Who do I speak of? Tels. Yes, we'll call her Tels. She and I were on the same level and could chat for hours. We can still chat for hours. And she became my best friend as I found myself just pouring my heart more then the average time (which IS saying something). And I know this sounds shallow but generally - I look at friends who are girls differently to how I look at girls I like. I'm very seldom rare to use the word "beautiful" but there are about 3-4 girls who make the exception. The day she became one of those I realised that the inevitable had happened: I. STARTED. TO. LIKE-LIKE. HER. And suddenly rockets began to crash in my brain and I sounded a huge alarm. 

I contacted Tom. He told me not to act. I didn't. Then I had exams and then a party celebrating's my Step-Dad's half birthday. I got drunk. Then I decided I was God's Gift to Women and told her. We chatted until the early hours of the morning and agreed to meet at a sane hour. We did and I found myself with a girlfriend at the end of the day. If you know me well enough - you'll know I'm a big romantic and incredibly emotional. And well, I was all those things AND MORE during my relationship. Aaaaaaand then it all came to a crash course early December (I did blog post). 

So I was gutted. I'd began Year 11 by this point, btw, and began to slowly fall back into depressed patterns. Grades were slipping, my focus off and I'd not been the greatest of boyfriends. My way of dealing with it was burying myself in the School musical and suddenly my grades picked up a bit. I was cold, antisocial nad wasn't a very nice person for a bit. I changed my mind about what I wanted to do a lot and couldn't settle. And I think Tels and myself know what we're doing, kind of. I would like to say she's still my best friend and that's wonderful - even with its section of complexity.

Time has slipped right through. I've been saying about moving for Sixth Form because my education is through the medium of Welsh and seeing as I can barely speak English properly I think the Welsh is pulling me down. On top of that - currently everyone knows me. I talked much much earlier about how I'm a social engima. By now my popularity's gone into full swing and I'm still my "group leader" if you like but I've also branched out to everyone. I say hello to random strangers, have lovely chats and are a complete socialite. Girls have been subjected to my flirting (sorry gals) and boys have been subjected to mad jokes or something I'll have. 

And so I've risen. I've become somewhat of a great titan in my over-confident moments and just a guy who everyone knows in the more humble. I'm bright, hard working and feeling close to people. Generally, I'd say I'm ending school on a happy note. I am friends with most people as I've become rather aloof about a lot of things as to be honest: what is the point of caring? I've got some wonderful friends: Jacob, Curt, Tom, Amy, Kallum (my great sidekick), Paige and Jordan to name but a few. I've got others around who I can have cracking chats with. And people I'm going to letter write to. 

My Mother, the wisest and most lovely woman I know, said to me "the people who matter will stay in your life. You'll have to do the running around though - arranging things. But you'll remember: they're worth it." And that's kind of wonderful. I'll remember that so in a lot of ways, as much as I won't have the same interaction I don't think I'm leaving them. And here's the bit of this rather exstensive blog post where I talk about leaving and what I'll miss and what not. As the history is...interesting (and THAT is the condensed version). 

I'm going to miss my Friends AKA the NERDS. I've mentioned friends all across the map and each of them are just....brilliant in their own way. I'm right, I have served as a father to the pack and I'm proud of this role. And I'm going to miss running RPGs off the top of my head off loose ideas with you gunea pigs (You know who you are!) And days like today where we took the mick out of little kids as they tried to annoy me and failed. It was rather glorious. And that sort of thing MAY not happen in my new school as I'll be a respected Sixth Former (maybe...)

And then my Mega-Dega friend Jacob. And Tomo who I wrote something for today and can't quite remember what I said. Curtis, who's recently blossomed into one amazing GM, I will miss you a lot. But I have ideas that you and I must pursue and it's going to be AWESOME. Curt is one of my oldest friends, I juuust about met him before Jacob. I don't think it's goodbye because I'm far too attached as a person and will continue to pester you three. Then there's Amy - thanks for everything. I still have too much to say to you as usual and I'm sorry and thank you and you are just wonderful. 

Seriously. (I think I'll probably have a bit more to say just not a blog, m'rite?) I'll missed being "That Guy". It's been fun but also time consuming as sometimes you're expected to perform. But it's been fun and I'm glad that I've got that new slate. It has been nice either being laughed with or at, I've never quite been sure. But you take that in your stride and continue. And I'll miss some of the great laughs I've had and the general craziness that sometimes would ensue. But I'm hoping just because that thing that's owned our lives has gone, our bonds are strong enough to last. 

I'm hesitant about ending things as I think everyone's going to leave me. But tonight, I remember: I have friends who will not. The changes to come may put strains upon us but we will do this. Of that I'm sure. And hell - it'll be fucking awesome to have a new terrain to explore and new people to meet and greet. (And plus, the Superdorkism Mythos will expand in size with us all going to new places!) 

I've said also that our best jokes have come out of the last two weeks. That's not true, I've realised. Our jokes have always been golden even at their most crude as the laughter is between that of great friends. And if you HATE school remember: we met there. And that is kind of awesome. Now, I have more to say but a lot of other things to do so sign a T-Shirt for the Mayan Gods then let's get a roll on with exams...Then? PARTY TIME!