MY NAME.

It's not a massive reveal. Only creeps and my friends (who actually go into the same category all-too-often) read my blog. I'm called Ulysses on Jacob's blog and I've called myself Uly here. But I'm back to being just "Ulyverse" when I post things and on Facebook I've began to use my first name and so it seems that right now I have a lot of usernames, real names and generally lots of confusions happening with my name so I thought I've just give some info on all that!

My real name is Durnik Ulysses Kenneth Jones. 

Durnik because of the characters from David Eddings' series the Belgariad, a book series both my Parentes love. Then Ulysses is of course the Odysseus, 'cept Ulysses is the roman translation (I think). Parentes wanted me to be named after a traveller like my brother who's Jean-Luc after Picard the TNG character. Then finally, Kenneth's a name from a late family friend (who interestingly, I'm said to be very much alike in a lot of ways). I'm not a Durnik as I like the patience and in a lot of ways I'm not "Odysseus" because I like his cunningness but I would say I'm the sort of guy to take 10 years to get back to his wife and pine for her. Us Ulysses' are the romantic types, obviously. ANYWAY, onto screen names:

Ulyverse: my classic and current. It's a wordplay obviously and it was used to say that I was always stuck in my own head. Most of my ideas get put under this name, treat it as a "brand of me." Sort of thing. Variations such as Space Captain Ulyverse, Ulyverse Jones then recently Sir Dunrik of Ulyverse and Baron Ulyverse have all sprouted from this and Ulyverse has kind of stuck with me. I want to say that my...Mum came up with this? Or hell, maybe even me. One's memory is never too sure. 

Twerp100: I have no idea. Seriously, one moment it was there and then next - it wasn't. It's inactive nickname that I had and was done as a sort of "OMGNUMB8RSS!!!!!1111!!!!one" variation. Though I discovered some malware companies use something similar and went: holy moly, I can't use that screename any more! 

MacHeath: MacHeath after the song. I love "Mack the Knife" and used this for a text-based forum RPG. It was rather dated and rather nice having this as it was very different but quite sleek. Eventually I spread this onto a couple of other writing websites but it never really caught on as I felt that it was inappropriate in comparison to other screenames I'd began to use. Very strange stuff but I guess I have those memories connected with it, right?

Kadrina Lage: It's a RPG character I use to use a lot. I think the whole idea of having a "girl name" was from my Dad who goes by a female character. Inspired by him in many ways I did something similar but it was strange as I don't write like a girl at all and so people were very weirded out by the concept of a "guy-being-a-girl". Also, Kadrina's the name of a West Bavarian Borough or something and eventually the character herself became very boring to RP and so I basically let it phase. 

The Big Purple Jedi: This sprouted from a party. Guy is holding his baby and goes to her "hey, wanna be held by the Big Purple Jedi?" This was because my shirt was purple, my height around 6''06-07 and having a Jedi Plait in my hair. After Obi-Wan in Phantom, not Anakin in Attack of the Clones. I loved this nickname so much it turned up a tiny bit and it's still in use when I want a bit of variety!

Super-Giant/Solomon Square: All to do with Superdorkism. My Superhero identity and the other? Well, that'd be spoilers so I can't say.... 

So yeah. My names. Neat huh? Currently I'm using Ulyverse/The Big Purple Jedi/Super-Giant online and also Durnik for more personal online social networking. Though people call me Uly commonly. So who knows what'll happen to my name? 'Specially because I'm moving school. 

FYI: Con Vids are taking ages to upload but will be up hopefully this week. Have a few things to say up here this week!

Wales Comic Con - 2013! (Part 1)

So after my last post, I was kind of bummed out. THEN I WENT TO CON! Which was good! And I was going to do a long, rather unfair review but instead I'm going to try to keep it short and sweet but also upload the crappy videos we did for this here blog. To begin, I want to say that it was a 5/10 experience for me. There was a surprising lack of comic stalls, an underestimation as to how many people were going to be there and finally: I felt I didn't fit into my own scene. Which is crazy. I'm a Geek and was at a Geek event and there just seemed to be a lack of Geeks going "FUCK YEAH, COMICBOOKS!"

Which was disappointing. I mean, don't get me wrong - it was full of cool people and nice people. But there were people who didn't share the same interest as me. In a COMIC Con. 

This was unfortunate. HOWEVER: there was a great feel of pushing Brit-Geek-Culture in some parts which I'm all for as it's always good to get that sort of thing going and it made me realise how much I'm missing out on the Indie Comicbook scene. From now on, I'm going to make an effort to check out more alternate stuff as I met some wonderful writers, artists and bought some fantastic comics that are definitely worth buying more of. DC and Marvel are good but I shouldn't let them rule my shelves as I'll end up not supporting the little guy who actually, is bloody brilliant. They even inspired me to have a go after my exams with a friend or two because we've been all talk and no action (wouldn't be the first time--).

Me as "Clark Kent turning into Superman". 

This was mid-way between my costume.

Me as "Doctor Super-Bat with a Red Bowler Hat." I had 

a Sonic Screwdriver (explaining the "Doctor" part) a Superman Tee,

Batman Cape and Red Bowler hat, obviously. Though I wanted

my Luigi hat to be "Doctor Super-Bat of the Mushroom Kingdom."

Very cool Zombiebears that they'd made to attract attention to the stall.

 Me with Robert Picardo. Rather creepy face with me on the left but nonetheless cool.

One of the various photos of Tomo with a cosplayer. This was the last though.

Here's some links to check out:
http://www.sccassemble.co.uk/ - Cool South Waelian writers/artists. Copperopolis was good!
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Slam-comics/188498974544697 - Some awesome guys, one of which being very young starting out but doing an awesome job with "Special Powers"!
And http://www.subversivecomics.com/ - I bought something called Zombiebears from these guys. (picture above).

Vids coming right up!

7 Flaws of Uly.

CAUSE I'M A COPYCAT. Jacob just did his so I thought I'd have a whirl.

1) I'm fickle - I think I've mentioned this quite a bit and it's obvious by the way I go "Aha I will do x, y and z!" then don't follow through. I'm very bad at keeping to something and it's a skill that seems to be accumulate a lot of unfinished projects and stories which drives me nuts but I really struggle to sit down and finish things. Though this is something that's been bugging me a while and I've said I will correct it HOWEVER...Old habits die hard.

2) I'm one of the MOST self-absorbed guys on the planet - If I've got a problem, it's much bigger then yours. I hate attention getting taken away from me YET I hate when people just view me as some performer (which makes this an INCREDIBLY annoying flaw) and I am generally too wrapped up in self pity or whatever to sometimes consider other people and I just want people to focus upon me and give me gifts/bow down even when I enter a room. I think this is why I've ended up being a GM over time as a lot of attention comes to me. Today, I spent ages trying to print something then had to hand it in to a teacher and waltzed in dramatically and made a big show. Why? Because I just love having that thrill. It's why I act, so I can get it out in constructive ways. I actually REALLY hate this about me (and this'll lead to another next flaw) and I just generally do it all the time and struggle to deal with it and I imagine it drives people nuts.

3) I hate myself 8D - OK. So it's not as bad as it use to be. But someone once told me "the person who gives you the hardest time of all is yourself" and it's probably true. I have several moments, like a lot of teens and people generally, where I notice the horrific things about me. I feel bad for everything that goes wrong and think it's some how my fault, beat myself easily over each failure and I take great moments of where I believe that there are fewer people in life who're worse then me as a human being. And I battle these thoughts off a lot of the time and sometimes they grab me at a vulnerable moment. But the key is to remember your brain is a big liar. Kinda.

4) I HAVE NO FILTER - You know that bit in your brain that says "wow gee I shouldn't say that"? Yeah. I do not have one. Whatsoever. It gets me in shit all the time and I've tried developing one but it doesn't worst because I'm an impulsive and it makes me just blurt things out without having time to process what the implications of the statement is. I generally am a sensitive guy, I think, but I don't have that filter in my brain and I just think that I'm about to say something very funny but it turns out it's not. And because of this lack of a filter, I'm sometimes am very bad at just trying to keep my trap shut. AND THIS COSTS FRIENDSHIPS AND ALL SORTS. ARGH I'M A TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING.

5) I'm a massive fucking control freak - I just like control. I think it's because when I was younger I lacked control in my life in some ways. But I end up being an organised, militant controlling person. I'm going to Comic Con with my friends and have been very strict as to how I'm organising it and telling them what they are allowed/not allowed to do. It's the same with Superdorkism, I exploded at someone who was trying to get ahead of me. I just love taking command, I have leadership quality but I think it sometimes (all too often) creeps into dictating.

6) I'm far too serious - I struggle to ease up, relax and to sit down and just be "cool." In fact I fucking hate it because it drives me fucking nuts and ARGH I CAN NEVER GET IN THAT MENTALITY! So I end up coming across as serious a lot, people aren't sure if I'm joking and I just pull people down with it. My misery is a general flaw which I think these 7 cover quite "nicely". But I struggle to just loft around and have fun and usually have to just not think about it and occupy my mind with something and eventually it just all clicks into place quite nicely.

7) I hate change - I think if I've mentioned moving school or whatever as much as I have, this'll turn up. I hate things changing as I'm always worried that when it changes the good stuff from before will leave and I'll spend time trying to find my way through the bad stuff but discover that the second I get the good stuff BAM THE WORLD CHANGES AGAIN and then I end up hating goodbyes, endings and anything changing for good or for bad. One time, my teacher got married when I was about six and I ended up crying for ages because it was some shift. I was rather upset over the whole concept.

And now I feel like I should hide in a cave and never come out. Anyway, hope this was...enjoyable.

About 1,000,000 Things To Say! (Mandatory Haircut Blogpost)

Well, I've got moving school, a Comic Con on Sunday, a Hair Challenge me, Jacob and Tom are doing, exams, stories I've got stirring to write all of a sudden and just a load of things. But instead I'll just show you my HAIRCUT! 8D! Because every blogger does one and also it's part of a Hair Challenge (over the next few weeks, myself, Jacob and Tom are all going a bit radical either cutting of dyeing, shall be posting on Everything Makes Me Sick and here too!) There seems to be a lot of stuff happening and my thoughts are everywhere and I should be working but want to WRITE. Just really badly, craving to write all the time as it's some powerful drug. Typical, eh?

I'm not very smiley. 

And the after result:

What I particularly love about these photos (taken a day between) is that I'm standing in more or less the same place but I've just swapped sides. Very trippy stuff. Also, THAT BOTTLE GREEN JUMPER IS VERY STRANGE. IT ALMOST LOOKS LIKE A SCHOOL JUMPER BUT THAT'S POPOSTEROUS, WHY WOULD I EVER PUT A PICTURE OF ME FROM SCHOOL UP ON HERE, EH? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

As much as I want to write I should probably let my thoughts gather. I hate posting on here with scattered thoughts (well, over-scattered/more then the usual scattered) because the point of this blog is to update on things that are worth hearing about, not just stuff that's complete bullshit. 

Old People and ladies and buses.

So as I returned from my VOLUNTEER WORK because I'm such a Good Samaritan, I was taking the bus home to my town. There's this nice lil' ol' lady sat next to me and we spend time chatting slightly, as you do when sweet old ladies begin to chat to you at the bus stop! We were catching the same bus so notified one another if we thought it was coming. She saw that I have a return ticket in my hand and as the bus doors open, I was kind of waiting for her to get on as I usually let everyone else get on (I'm useless on buses and didn't want to cause a queue) but tells me that she wants to sort out her change before getting on. I accept this and go to take my seat on the bus as any normal person.

Listening to the highly brilliant Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy when all of a sudden, some elderly gentleman asks me to remove my headphones so he may chat to me. I agreed, not wanting to be rude when this gentleman starts saying something and I ask him to repeat. And thus, the following piece of what I would consider misogynistic, self-righteousness followed:

"Excuse me but next time you get on a bus and there's a lady waiting, you wait for her to go on first." OK. Fine. Right. I have to be careful here. The problem with the teens attacking the 60+ generation is that it can simply be executed as us being "stropy teenagers" who say "fuck you" to the "man." But here's the thing: I do think I have a lot of respect for my elders as they're people who've got a lot more life experience on their shoulders and generally are trying to help me if offering advice. HOWEVER, no matter how fucking old you are if you decide that its your right to patronise me with something then I will hold it against you. And it wasn't until 30 seconds after that my brain processed what had just happened.

So what are my beefs with it? I'll go through it below:

It was a misogynistic comment - Oh, she's a "lady" thus automatically I must let her go first. Look, okay I can get a lot of flack for that because it's easy (supposedly) to decipher being condescending towards women and being a gentleman but how about we go off the idea that she is a bit older then me and I should let her go first? I mean, I don't mind that almost. I do it with school staff all the time, it's just the done thing. We shouldn't do things based off gender (as I explained in another recent post), we should something because it's the nice and respectable thing to do.

MORAL SUPERIORITY, THY NAME IS MAJORITY OF HUMANS! - People love being morally superior. They love telling people what to do and what's not right, basking in the glory of the immoral. And I get the impression, simply from the man's tone and the way he just turned around and did that he was doing it so he could be all smug by "correcting 'dem young folk!" I felt that I'd be subjected and he'd done it because he could feel all good about himself and his supposed Golden Generation as he'd just "saved the day from asshole teenager!" And to be honest? We come from the Ipads-everywhere youth culture and I'm not proud of it. I'm not proud that there's a lack of respect for elders and for other cultures and that in such a diverse world there's a division by our youth. By the youth to which I'm a part of.

But to be honest? I thought that bloke was bang out of line. I don't see WHY complete strangers get to do shit like that but if a teenager ever dared to point out a stranger's mishap or something then it'd be considered completely disrespectful and as a smart-alec comment or something. I just get angry that people feel the need to do this and that people feel like they have the right to do it! I'd get it if I was his son or Grandson or friend or neighbour but he was just no one I know. He'd done it because he felt I needed correcting and to be honest, it didn't make me feel rude - it made me feel like old people can be assholes.

The context - I've explained earlier in the story she wanted me to go on so she could sort out her change. As I just had to flash a bus ticket to a driver, it was easy. He didn't even know the bloody context of the story, didn't check obviously and did that. Just - what an asshole move. Thinking about it irks me! The nerve that people hold just because of their age. I'm a cognisant young fellow, though I lack life experience and am still learning I admit, I can't believe some of the treatment that young people get. Like the beeping outside shops or something: that's just bloody wrong. If I wanted to get rid of old people and started using a foghorn into their ears there'd be much discontent.

NOW, I'm going back to my great productive weekend of sorting out my calendar, revision, washing clothes and volunteering and writing. Stupidass old people.

N.E.R.D.S Easter Special - Part 3

HERE IT IS, THE STORY YOU'VE ALL BE WAITING FOR! IT ALL ENDS HERE! Holy onto your hats and tea, it's a long one! (And the last story from Superdorkism to go up on this blog). 

Part 3: The End of a rather moderate journey.

In the darkness, PowerPaige didn't expect to see much. What she was expecting, however, was a bigger role in this story then the one she'd had so far. I mean; what the hell? Practically the Wonder Woman of this universe, founding member of N.E.R.D.S. And puts up with Wey-Man regularly, surely she'd get a bigger part? It didn't matter, Uly was getting loads of shit off everyone for not having posted the Easter Special and taking forever to master the eloquence of this totes amazeballs story. To open up, it even had some inner monologuing and a great description (which is coming in the following paragraphs).

Like most dungeons Uly writes about, this place was damp, cold, dark and a very suitable place to fornicate and for no one to find out. (What the hell has he been writing for THAT to be a part of this description. Oh man, I'm so shit at building up suspense. If you want a deep, meaningful thriller read the Jester's story). It had cuffs attached to long, thick, rusting chains which went on for miles it seemed. PowerPaige felt that this dungeon was a perfect design for Super-Giant and not them. She put her Mother Hen skills together, looking at every part of the dungeon. To her right – Pun Man and Wey-Man. To her left, Captain MindMash. And...Captain Cymru?! An unexpected twist!

Damn it, she began in italics to indicate it's in her head, this plot lacks so much consistency that not even the characters can follow it! We're all in this dungeon, a new character's been thrown in here too and aren't we meant to be in Willy Wonka's factory? WAIT, WHERE IS WILLY WONKA?!

And suddenly. She looked down. And for suspense to be built, it's a different scene.

--

Super-Giant, 00J and Cranium Steele were all riding on motorbikes. Well, 00J was flailing about on a moped and Super-Giant couldn't fit on a real motorbike so he'd taken a huge 50ft model from the top of those stores - like the doughnut model from Simpsons - and had started to ride it. Turns out they don't actually come with real engines. Cranium Steele, being all metal and sh*t had his guitar turn into a motorbike. The point is - this is a badass opening that doesn't need to be ruined by any logic, okay?!

Oh man, it's way past Easter and this is super-late! Began Super-Giant's inner-monologue,. I mean---we're never going to find Willy Wonka's factory! It's been way too long with no Pun Man in this story, which sucks 'cause Pun Man and me are best buds, they fight crime together all the time and go to each other’s houses!

As he inner-monologued, they were then shot at. Blowing up the moped that 00J residing upon, she fell to the ground with the moped crushing her. Super-Giant knew she'd be paralysed already thanks to him - this could indefinitely paralyse her and she could be a comicbook character stuck in a wheelchair just for diversity! He leapt off his own bike, saw Cranium Steele had already blasting back at the black trucks on the other side of the road. There were explosions and little plot and awesome stunts like a Michael Bay film except without ruining Pun Man's childhood/patriotism!

Flipping and turning, Super-Giant was actually pretty vulnerable when it came to bullets. Though small like Year 7s, they could do some real damage. He began to grow in height so that the bullets appeared smaller (or maybe he shrunk the rest of the universe -- WHO KNOWS??) And then began to bounce off. Crainum Steele had tripped to sort the Trucks by shouting loud German in his German accent (long story short: it involved a "Nazi-Ray" and he can't get his normal accent back) and jumped onto one of the bonnets and it skidded to a halt. The gun men and driver were odd looking.

As he stared intently at these mysterious henchmen of sorts, Super-Giant quickly leapt to 00J's side and removed the moped by putting it in his pocket. He looked at her with his deep, large brown eyes and he raised an eyebrow as he grinned helping her to feet. Maybe it wasn't just MindNumbing Miriam who wanted some D, ehy? Carrying on with this awesome, action-packed adventure, 00J and Super-Giant dashed over to Cranium Steele was trying his best not to laugh at what was facing him. When Super-Giant looked he burst into laughter and even grew a couple of inches too before he was in such shock.

An orange face, green haired creature with too much make-up (similar to an average Year 8 Girl [hiyoooo]) was staring up at them with a machine gun. And of course if you know your filmography as well as the Jester, it was obvious that this was an Oompa Loompa! 00J was amazed, this creature was a perfect marksman and she was surprised to even see someone who had the ability to slave away making chocolate also have perfect gun skills. Super-Giant then amazed Cranium Steele & 00J by suddenly doing hand gestures. The Oompa Loompas replied.

“Holy non-Easter! What're you doing to make 'em do that, Super-Giant?” 00J went. He scowled before answering, implanting the idea THAT HE'S BEEN BUSY, OKAY?

“I can speak Oompa Loompa!” He replied. The other two burst out laughing. “I can! I played Willy Wonka in a production once and then suddenly swapped brains with Willy Wonka! I know all these guys!”

“What're they saying then? You've left the reader long enough--” Cranium Steele began.

“YES. I GET IT. I'VE BEEN LATE WITH THIS PART.” He said begrudgingly. Before he could answer Cranium Steele's, the crashing of a dangerous driver arrived and stumbling out of a rather bruised car came the Jester, MindNumbing Miriam, STD Man and B.E.T.H.

“Geez, we're almost as late Super-Giant has been with this part coming into this story! To think that a FORTNIGHT ago I said that we're on the same plot point--” The Jester mocked. He then smiled at his familiar tall friend. “We stole a car. I'll get you to talk to a Judge about it later, right?”

“*Sigh* Yes, Jester. Good to have some friends. Got past the Easter Bunnies?” He asked them, they nodded. “STD Man, I want to get ready one of the most annoying STDs ever. Not necessarily lethal but, itchy at least.” Though it wasn't commanded, STD Man got the hint. He began to spin his around right around (don't ask how he can do that) and talk to 00J to catch her up about what had happened to him. Everyone was shocked over the fact that Super-Giant was considering torturing these villains, all except 00J. (The Jester thought it was awesome).

“What DID they say then?” Cranium Steele asked again.

“They wouldn't tell me anything. I asked them where their master is. They swore allegiance to the Easter Bunny and say that at any moment, back-up will be arriving.” Super-Giant informed, then pulled out his mobile, waited for 3G to get on this Part 3 to show what the above said to fill in Jester and the others. The Oompa Loompas were rather nervous because frankly: if someone could spin their hands 360 that's off putting enough but if it was Curtis, wouldn't we all be -censored by comics code-? Super-Giant hand signalled explaining what he was doing, they all began to squirm before quickly making several hand gestures about what was planned.

“Right...Ok...OH my God! That's TERRIBLE!” Super-Giant cried and turned to his fellow superheroes. “Okay, that's enough, STD Man. Listen to me: this is big. The Easter Bunny has taken every piece of chocolate in the WORLD and has tried to make the most irresistible chocolate that even the smell, that's right the even just the smell now, is enough to return us to primal instincts and kill one another. But worse than that, he's taken the best factory in the world for chocolate, Willy Wonka's and has managed to overthrow him and now uses Bunnies to mind control them. Because EVERYONE knows Bunnies that CAN'T talk are psychic!”

“What? That doesn't make any sense!” MindNumbing Miriam protested and suddenly everyone was shot back by the MindNumbingness (except 00J but she decided to not ruin the story).

“Worse than that...They've kidnapped superheroes! A certain selection – I don't know why these few but it obvious has a reason to it. The way I wanted to get to Willy Wonka's factory, the same way I'm sure the Jester was going to use, Hollywood, has been blocked off.” Super-Giant explained.

“WHAT?!” Jester angrily shouted. For one thing, he was confused how they went from Wales to Hollywood but he was so impatient and wanted to get on with it he left that. “B-but...That Bunny is gonna' die!”

“Has anyone noticed that Super-Giant didn't do this many hand gestures?” Cranium Steele asked. “I mean—Ich bien himmel!”

“So how do we get there?” STD Man asked.

“I have to grow tall enough to go to Heaven and ask the creator of Willy Wonka: Roald Dahl.” Each character had a dramatic close up to their face before quickly finding themselves on the ground again but now: Bunnies and Oompa Loompas suddenly swarmed all over the other heroes as Super-Giant went into the skies above. 00J decided, as Co-Administrator (and the Jester avoiding responsibility) to take command. Blasting her file rays a couple of times, she then began to shout order for the other heroes.

“Okay, defend Super-Giant's ankles! He's tall enough he'll crush all of North Wales, the Midlands and probably reach Finland! Cranium Steele, MindNumbing Miriam: you take on the Oompa Loompas, Jester and STD Man you two take on the Bunnies! Only you two can stop them as STD Man can destroy their sex drive and Jester is heartless enough to kill Bunnies!” This was very true, he nodded. Everyone carried on doing back flips and shooting laser guns or MindNumbing people with boring stories about their day or use Guitar Riff so they had awesome background music to help them beat the ever mother living -censored by CC- out of the Goons.

The conversation between Super-Giant and Roald Dahl is a rather personal one. Thus, I don't think it can quite be put into words correctly. What will be said is that it was probably the most least stressful Super-Giant had ever been in his life. The conversation took place between like two old friends in a London cafe outside on a rare Summer's day when it's not raining, they enjoyed some tea and chatted about long times past and couldn't wait 'till that Evening Do that would be coming up where they would enjoy drink, food and good company once more with an even bigger group of friends (who they'd analysed individually, pointing out flaws but then saying “oh he's/she's lovely really”) then finally it ended and little did Super-Giant know but no other cup of tea would ever live up to that. Or any meeting he'd ever have with anyone, for that matter. Shrinking down to normal Giant size (see what I did there?) and attacked some of the enemies.

“I know where Willy Wonka's other entrance is!” He bellowed, which actually knocked a few bunnies back as they began to overflow. Everyone was demanding to know where. “QUICKLY, JESTER, YOU DRIVE! Steal that abandoned bus: we have to go towards Buckingham Palace and then make a sharp turn and there should be a dimensional vortex that'll lead us straight there, if we can convince one of the bunnies to--”

“On it.” STD Man said, terrorising one of the Bunnies.

“Wait, when did Buckingham Palace come so close to Hollywood?” Someone questioned. I'm sure the reader questioned it so we'll say someone in the story did too.

“When – -censored by comics code- you, that's when.” Super-Giant said. They leapt onto the bus and 00J sat next to Super-Giant to plan a strategy.

As the bumpy journey began, Super-Giant raised his big eyebrow. “You know I'd not actually torture that Oompa Loompa?”

“Yeeeah. You're Super-Giant. But I think sometimes it should be 'Giant-Super' 'cause you're just that much of a moralistic superhero.” She gave a half-smile. They then planned out the boss battle. But, unless you check a walkthrough, it never goes to plan...

MEANWHILE!

PowerPaige was screaming. The eye was uncomfortable because it was looking up and now, was moving. A couple of other superheroes woke up. They were shocked by their surroundings and were sure since the last part there was a change of prison. Before getting an opportunity to pontificate on the lack of continuity they saw a figure beginning to shape in the darkness. It was a bunny, no, it had a long top hat and they were pretty sure a purple colour scheme. The figure could've been a fancy Super-Giant it was so big, they were awfully confused.

“Holy -not censored by the Comic Code because Pun Man doesn't swear-!” There he was; Willy Wonka as a mutant monster. Quickly, Captain MindMash had a flashback.

Captain MindMash's flashback: WARNING – THE FOLLOWING IS PRETTY TRAUMATIC AND IT IS HIGHLY ADVISED THAT YOU DON'T TREAT THIS AS THE REAL CHARLIE & CHOCOLATE FACTORY STORY.

“Willy Wonka was renowned for his beautiful chocolate and immaculate elegance in the art of chocolate making, he was a true master. That's how history will remember him anyway, because that was in the past. The distant past.

Truth is, he got into a pretty horrific accident. 'twas a year ago now. Willy had just told Charlie that he'd won his factory. It was all well and dandy, that is up until Easter the following year. Wonka had this extraordinary idea for an Easter bunny that could walk but didn't think. Now, that's pretty damn morbid, but ey, he meant well and he felt it'd appeal to a new market. Hell knows what market that was. Anyway, he tried to make a 'prototype' of this 'walking Easter chocobunny' only, the ol' fool forgot to put a lid on the chocolate mixture, within minutes there was molten chocolate all over the floor.

The whole place was evacuated and the Oompa Loompas were taken to safety and so were Charlie's family. But Wonka refused to let his factory burn down. Wonka ran in to try and salvage his secret chocolate recipes from the safe he had behind the picture of his father in the study. Before he knew it, he had been engulfed by the mixture. Apparently the Oompa Loompas cried when they heard his screams from the factory. 4 days it took to let that place cool down. 4 days of mourning and sadness. But on the 5th day, when the body of Wonka was to be found and buried, the air felt different.

It wasn't until I walked into the study that I saw it; it was hideous! It had large, sharp teeth and a pulsating vain at the neck, below the neck was something that only a few men could bare to stand. He was all disfigured, as if someone had broken all of his bones with a mallet and reassembled them with tape and prit-stick. The eyes were golden and the left eye was much more gazing than the other, which gave the impression that he was looking for something in particular as if more focused. His nose was somewhat misshapen also, it was smaller and definitely more animal shaped, but it didn't match the skull, which was lumped on the left hand side like someone had twisted his head so that his face would bulge at certain points.

I could tell it was Wonka by the large purple hat that still stood on its mutated disfigured head, with a huge rabbit ear penetrating one side. His clothes, although ripped, clung to his body as if he were Dr Hyde in rage mode. He didn't attack, as would be expected. All he did was stand up tall and stare at me with a definite sadness to his face. Obviously in so little time, he'd been angry and also come to terms with what had happened. 

This was astounding because any other man would have murdered or gone more berserk but not Wonka. Wonka had taken his rage out on the already destroyed factory study which was coated in chocolate and blood, but also smashed apart like a tornado had torn through. My god, the blood on his body though, he looked like what could only be described as a beastly apparition of the Easter Bunny. As soon as he had remembered who I was, he reached behind him, to where he had been sitting on the floor before my arrival, and handed me a revolver. He nodded at me, and even though I was speechless from seeing this, I understood what he had wanted. Having said that, I still wept as he leaded towards me and whispered with his oddly shapen mouth something along the lines of 'Thank you Charlie' 

As I raised the pistol, I caught sight of a letter that was partial sticking out of the study table, which unlike everything else in the room, wasn't completely ripped apart. I had to know what was in there, so while Wonkas eyes were closed, I tip-toed to the draw. All of a sudden he whipped his body around and gave me a really angry, hurt stare. Before I could grab the letter or fire the Pistol, I was thrown into wall, and he leapt through the ceiling from what I could gather. All whilst screaming odd things out of his badly mutated mouth. He had escaped into the world. I could do nothing about it. So I read the letter;

My dear Charlie,

You, my boy are my treasure. I am proud of all you have done so far. But this accident has caused my body to shape oddly. It's been a day, and I am still trapped here. But by the time you've read this, I will hopefully be dead. The factory remains yours, insurance will pay for the rebuilding of the factory. I am sorry that I put everyone in danger. I just had a brilliant idea, that's all.

Yours faithfully,
your friend, W. Wonka.”

And somehow or another, a lot to Captain MindMash made sense but he didn't quite speak up about it just yet.

Suddenly, Captain Cymru broke free, things could've been good. But he had purple eyes and flew up into the air. They were all in shock, how could Captain Cymru founding members of N.E.R.D.S and superhero/superpatriot betray all of his comrade superheroes?! But, naturally, PowerPaige figured it had to be mind control. She saw right up above there was a small glass screen where the Easter Bunny looked in with small bunnies at his side concentrating incredibly hard. Arthur Weasley – AKA Adam – was up there too with purple eyes following orders, along with S.M.I.T.H who was monitoring computers!

“They've got Adam! And S.M.I.T.H. This means they basically have any computer ever!” PowerPaige shouted to the others.

“Holy Deadpool! I can't believe this, here I was playing XCOM now this!” Wey-Man shouted. “We're going to die at the hands of a mutated Willy Wonka and Captain Cymru, I can't -censored by CC- believe this!”

“WILLY ya be quiet, you WONKA!” Pun Man said, beginning to regain more consciousness. (Tom takes a while to get up. Seriously one time he slept over and got up at like 2PM). Everyone cringed. The mind control of the Bunnies was too great and it seemed like the end but suddenly – a familiar figure from the 70s/80s appeared.

“NEIL DIAMOND!” Everyone shouted in surprise but happiness. He was flying on a stage with Go-Go Dancers and huge speakers blasting out various lines from his songs and he was playing a Guitar solo before quickly jumping up and attacked the Willy Wonka by kicking him in the face and then quickly, he got shurikens to cut down the heroes and they all landed upon the stage. All of them set out to attack using a variety of methods except Wey-Man who was angry over this extreme random event and lack of continuity.

“This makes no sense!” He protested.

“I'm friends with Super-Giant, see. And O'Leary, he's observed your actions but refused to get involved but not eaten any Easter eggs yet so we can't say that it's not Easter 'till he does. Anyway – I decided to get involved 'specially since Super-Giant helps me go on tour!” He said before releasing another wave of Neil Diamond attacks. They all had begun to overwhelm the huge Willy Wonka which angered the Easter Bunny. Captain Cymru came onto the stage and then a duel struck between him and PowerPaige.

She, a tough Mother Hen, threw some punches. But suddenly, Adam had activated a spring trap inside the Dungeon causing spikes to fall from the ceiling. She was hit by a spike which gave an upper hand to Captain Cymru. He suddenly began to use his mighty Rugby player strength to deliver some tough punches. In rage, PowerPaige simply began to shout for Adam and of all the cool stuff they'd done together hoping he could hear and could find back, remembering who he truly was.

“Please Adam, it's me!” She began with Sweet Caroline on in the background. “It's me, PowerPaige! The one who saved you from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal or from Bad Joke or from your Year!” And just before another punch could be delivering, a swooping strike from Willy Wonka, Adam quickly stopped both Bunnies controlling Willy Wonka and the Great Welsh Boyscout. He then quickly turned to S.M.I.T.H. Who was then released from his mind control, reprogramming whatever the computers were saying.

Now it was a case of waiting for the others to arrive and rescue them.

The others had found themselves getting through the dimensional vortex, with little patience via the author to describe that experience they crashed into the Chocolate River falling in from the ceiling the bus slowly sank into the river and nerves were high. It was Super-Giant who had the idea of jumping out of the emergency exit and turn huge to drink some of the Chocolate River. Everyone suddenly exhaled deeply in relief but their time to relax was cut short when suddenly another swarm of Oompa Loompas greeted them grabbing each of them and lifting the entire crew up to a red and golden throne on the edible grass.

“Mwahahaahahaha!” A high-pitch voice laughed manically. The noise worse then that of MindNumbing Miriam's MindNumbing or the sound of JanJan's creature 'The Banshee of B2'. But as horrific as it was, they couldn't help but burst out into laughter when, revealing himself from a small hot air balloon, came the Easter Bunny.

“What? What are you all laughing at?? Damn you, you will all pay!” The Easter Bunny squeaked. “I've caught you and you 'little' friends, Super-Giant. Aha, I should add that to the books for New-Pun Man!” Already, Super-Giant could tell the plot was about to get a little more complicated.

“Presenting...The New N.E.R.D.S! I reckoned I'd need something to get someone to steal all this chocolate and not link this to I, are treated as a loser by Santa and Dave-Star of Hanukkah!” He said, though everyone questioned that last bit about Hanukkah. Suddenly, a group of half-bunnies half-humans rose from the ground. Everyone looked horrified as these disfigured creatures with pink fur and rather large ears. Their friends – Pun Man, PowerPaige, Captain MindMash and Wey-Man – appeared as the horrible creatures. Everyone had a close-up with a dramatic gaping face and tears even began to be produced.

“Now, S.M.I.T.H., get the transporter working! I believe it's time to get Captain Cymru here!” Super-Giant was shocked. Captain Cymru?! He was one of them, damn it! They all awaited. And suddenly, some Bunnies were surrounded the throne of their master and Oompa Loompa guards had gathered. 00J looked to her comrades and saw how still their Team Leader was. The Jester was trying to break free mostly because he hated being held down, STD Man's hands had been trapped so he couldn't give anyone an STD, with others being just simply tied up. Easter Bunny smiled but this was hard to tell due to his buck teeth Bunny teeth.

“OOMPA LOOMPA! Check why Captain Cymru is taking so long! Bunny N.E.R.D.S: shall we select our first victim of the Ultimate Chocolate?” The Easter Bunny cried, everyone objected by suddenly someone was chosen: B.E.T.H.

“No, please! She was just added in so The Jester and I could do something cool/STD Man could be added into the story!” MindNumbing protested but it was too late, the bunny N.E.R.D.S quickly grabbed her and then opened her mouth with a small piece of chocolate getting put into her mouth. Suddenly, her eyes began to flare as if she also (like Miriam) wanted the D, it was incredible! They could see that she'd lost self-control and was not just wanting to have more of this chocolate, flailing uncontrollably.

“She's having a fit! Shouted The Jester.

“No...It's the chocolate, Jester, it's the best. He using it for his Ultimate Easter Egg to make the world selfish so that he can drive us all mad, MAD I tell you!” After this adventure, Super-Giant got a list of complaints from different copyrighted materials being evoked. They saw that B.E.T.H was rather despondent. The Easter Bunny laughed and laughed, infuriating Super-Giant even further. He was a superhero, he hated seeing innocent people (and the Jester) get hurt by anything! He had to DO something before the Easter Bunny got away! But before he could have time for a plan, Captain Cymru teleported close by.

“Now my mindcontrolled Welsh man, supposedly that time in the dungeon where we got to try and convince your Welsh-Spirits that it was okay to listen to the Bunnies' bidding! Attack your former friends Captain Cymru!” He cackled but this time: enough was enough. Brewing with German slurs, Cranium Steele had an urge to try to summon the spirit of rock 'n' roll but instead he settled on the next best thing: a blue-spirit image of Jack Black sprouting out of his body, killing Oompa Loompas and Bunnies before then freeing the superheroes.

“Thanks, Sir Black!” He cried, as is the Rock Underworld Jack Black was a knight. Vanishing, the heroes broke free and Super-Giant was quick to order.

“00J – you go and find S.M.I.T.H, he'll know the cure for this! Everyone else: take down as many of these Oompa Loompas and Bunnies so Captain Cymru can be free: EASTER BUNNY'S MINE!!!” He shouted with exclamation marks and all. Everyone leapt into battle doing several badass things such as punching or kicking of some sorts in very creative ways (just picture them all doing cool things and what not). Suddenly, as STD Man was about to punch Captain Cymru he noticed him winking. A ploy had pulled, pulled like how Eilir pulls in College!

The fight continued, with battles continuing but suddenly – a huge Willy Wonka mutated figure ripped right through the set and destroyed half of the Chocolate Garden. He was surrounded by a stage of Neil Diamond, Pun Man, Wey-Man, PowerPaige and Captain MindMash all ready to blast in and fight some serious crime. This did however confuse the other N.E.R.D.S members as they were expecting some long winded process, not just to see that these Bunny Copies weren't mutated version of their friends but just failed twisted clones that had been made. But wanting to see some end to this rather chaotic story they rolled with it.

“How EGG-citing!” Pun Man shouted on the stage before jumping down and helping attack the enemies surrounding. The Jester eye rolled then fired several bullets at his adversaries and blood came gushing from their wounds. More of the heroes from Neil Diamond's stage joined and Neil Diamond simply releasing cannons from the side of his stage as he mauled several Bunnies and Oompa Loompas. Suddenly, B.E.T.H was finding herself going savage over the chocolate and couldn't be stopped, not even by MindNumbing Miriam. There was a lot of fighting and Super-Giant was engaging in a tough battle with the real Easter Bunny.

“How can you do this?!” He shouted between the punches, “you're a holiday symbol! A good person!”

“Don't you see, Super-Giant? I'm ALWAYS treated as some strange creature and that you humans expect so much from me—”

“We don't expect anything from you, our parents get the chocolate! Catholics, Prostestants, they all celebrate separately! What the hell do you think we want?”

“My People's lifeforce! Chocolate is how talking-Bunnies such as I from a talking Bunny planet survive! We don't eat it, we collect eggs and store them for energy! After all this, you will all kill after one tiny pieces of chocolate!!!” And just as the brawl continued and as blood splattered out of Super-Giant's mouth, an ingenious marketing idea struck him.

“I guess you could say that was one heck of a CHOC!” Pun Man bellowed as he punched one of the Bunnies. With Captain MindMash beginning to really swirl their heads around and Captain Cymru helping out, Tomos felt it was appropriate to go and see how his friend Super-Giant was getting on. 00J and Cranium Steele had began to try and stop B.E.T.H, 00J shouted over to STD Man.

“Did you get a sample of any of this stuff?” (She'd read part 2 on her Ipod so was just double checking). He nodded. “Hand it over!” STD Man threw over the sample and just because the story's getting too long, it landed perfectly in 00J's hands and she pulled out a small chemistry set and began to examine its properties. “Aha! It has a strange molecule structure to it, I have only one way to counter-act it but I don't think anyone's going to like it...Wey-Man! I want you to kill the mood! Everyone, just whine about your problems around B.E.T.H!” Everyone stared but they attempted it.

“Supposedly, with MindNumbing Miriam's MindNumbingness radiation spreading, along with all of ours it should snap someone to their senses. Then if we get S.M.I.T.H to reprogram B.E.T.H's brain she'll forget about the whole experience and then get that thought spread via MindNumbingness radiation it should work!” She cried. This made no sense but for the sake of all that's sane, the plan was set to action. Pun Man joined Super-Giant as he was struggling to beat the final boss. The first thought he could think about (also helping 00J's plan) was: DAT FEEL WHEN YOU CAN'T BEAT THE FINAL BOSS. Before Pun Man could do anything, he noticed Super-Giant trying to engage conversation.

“If you sell this market value of chocolate at around...2.50 a pop? Then people will buy less of your resources and then still get an incredibly satisfied feeling! You can talk trade agreements with Willy Wonka's factory and then the Oompa Loompas can make it, along with Bunnies regulating.” He began. Pun Man smiled: it seemed peace was about to be made. However, this was then shattered when Captain MindMash turned up behind Pun Man and shouted to Super-Giant.

“No, wait! You don't understand: The Easter bunny mutated Willy Wonka because...CHOCOLATE ARE LIKE DRUGS, NOT AN ENERGY RESOURCE! I remember now: Wonka was his dealer and I know all this because the accident was so MindMashing that it's almost like one of my memories!” And suddenly Super-Giant's faced looked so pissed off that if he spoke then the entirely of the paragraph would have to be censored. He violently began to punch the Easter Bunny, who could really feel it and Super-Giant was growing inside. As the MindNumbing waves were getting stronger, Super-Giant was just ignoring it and managing to attack the enemy with quite a bit of gore involved.

“Super-Giant, stop!” Everyone cried. Immediately he realised what he was going. He let down his punches, shrunk to a normal size and got off the Easter Bunny.

“N.E.RD.S....Thank you. Now, let's get this place cleaned up.” He said, wandering off. Pun Man tried to get his attention but he ignored it. 00J also did the same, grabbing him by the arm as the other heroes began to clear the perimeter.

“Super-Giant--” She began.

“This isn't the place or time to discuss this. But all I can say is: Easter Bunny drew the line between dark/egdy and parody. And for me, that's a big thing.” He said sternly with his most serious face ever before nodding to Neil Diamond and walking off. Each member of N.E.R.D.S managed to clean the place up and get Arthur Weasley and S.M.I.T.H from the back. Captain MindMash went to see Willy Wonka, who wasn't doing too well but the Lord Helsby quickly talked to him and the chocolatier reppeared smiling and rather happy (yet terribly disfigured). The other bunny mutations joined Captain MindMash's side, declaring him their “Daddy.”

Each hero then got aboard the Flying Stage owned by Neil Diamond and they all stood: Pun Man, STD Man, 00J of DITZ, Cranium Steele, The Jester, MindNumbing Miriam, Wey-Man, PowerPaige, Arhur Weasley, S.M.I.T.H, Captain Cymru, Captain MindMash and his bunnies, B.E.T.H and Neil Diamond heading out of the factory and into the open air in a epic pose. Though they all wondered where Super-Giant had left to they didn't say anything to ruin the mood and atmosphere. The only thing that could truly be said, a thought shared by all was:

“Easter Bunny's chocolate isn't good. And also: this is one hell of a long Easter this Year...”

THE END(?)

WHY CAN'T YOU GIVE *ME* FLOWERS?

Two posts in one day?! Must be your lucky day. This is going to be short as I've ranted as an angry romantic before. Anyway, today, I was shopping with my Mother and asked for some flowers. She very kindly bought me some to lighten up my room with some life (see picture below!). They're awfully pretty Daffodils, some of my favourite flowers which are growing wild everywhere.

I've said how I don't like "conventional romance" before. And this is another thing: what's the matter with guys wanting flowers? I told one of my friends and fellow blogger Jacob and I knew what his immediate reaction would be. He called me "Gay". And this is the idea that homosexuals are feminine of course, etc. and though it's a derogatory use of the word I'm not focusing on that (though think it's an important issue, this post is about flowers, not LGBT rights). No, the thing that gets me: why is it immediately associated as de-masculine idea that a guy wanting flowers obviously shows him to be "weak" and "girly."

Here's the thing: that's an implication that Girls are weaker then Man, saying they're "softer" wanting "soft things" like flowers. So isn't that misogynistic? I mean, if we're equal then it shouldn't be lesser for a man to want a "girly" thing. I would like to say now: recently, I've become less gender-associated with a lot of things for a lot of various reasons most to do with exploring this whole "society set social conventions and values." And so maybe I'm just being a bit more open minded to things and maybe having Gender-based conventions (such as girls getting flowers from Guys) is important for social development?

Actually, bollocks to that. I like flowers but I'm 6''07, got a bloody beard and have a very deep bellowing voice. If to be a man is to be "tough" and to be dominating and stern then I've bloody well covered that criteria. But to me, having some flowers in my room has nothing to do with my Gender at all. I like having flowers because they do add an effect to a room. Am I not allowed to have a sweet, sensitive soul as a guy? Or that just a "girly" thing? Why have my emotions been restricted to just be: angry, bit grumpy, happy and crude.

I guess you can argue "oh well most men don't want to be in touch with their feelings" or "biology plays a part" but frankly, having flowers in my room? Enjoying poetry as I read outside or going for long romantic walks on the beach? Watching musical theatre, listening to certain types of music, liking the colour pink? They're not necessarily "Gay" or "Girly" things. If Men are told they are lesser if they like them, that is  implying these groups are lesser. And that's wrong.

If a girl ever got me flowers, I would be touched. I've gotten girls flowers because I like sharing them and because it is a great sign of affection (one that I approve of. If you just grab a bunch of flowers just because you want to give your lady flowers that's an awfully sweet and nice thing to do if you ask me). And so, I would really like it if one day I was to be in a situation where that happened. We shouldn't tie it to Girls as it's a nice, sweet thing to have in your room and it really brightens up the place already.

While my friend was saying it as a tease, it did get me thinking and of course I felt it only natural to post it here! (And now, back to the Easter Special).

The Creative Process.

So, I'm writing a lot at the moment to soothe my wounds between exams. This means that I'm going through the exciting "creative process." If you're close friends with me you'll know that I throw around these words and make several jokes about it. With so many projects left dripping muse from them and imaginary deadlines of life in my way, I thought I'd prolong the process by talking about the process. (I hope that made sense in someone else's head).

I've opted to do this in "10 steps." This explains my creative process but no one else's, I think. I'll be worried if someone else comes up with this.

1. Here's an idea! - I get an idea and think: hey why I don't start to write that and basically might jot something down or tell someone. This can be a lot of different things because I may just start a story, do a summary (which means I'll do it quite quickly) or just tell someone and forget to write it down.

2. Rattle on about - Then, I'll be less the 5K in and just ending up boring my friends with what I'm working on and some of them who are lovely and patient like to listen to me. I end up just banging on and sometimes just develop ideas on my feet which make me want to write some more.

3. Moan about not being near my piece of writing - I moan about it, yearn for it as if it's something I need to survive This usually kicks in quite early on the project if I'm into something and I'll moan about it for a while to once again - my lovely patient friends.

4. Casually write, think about usually 3 plots then write. - I'll get into it, do steps 1-3 and when I'm sitting and writing I might think of about 3 different things I can do which then leads straight to 5.

5. Is the idea finished? Yes. Have I finished writing? No. - The idea's finished. It'll pan out in my head so I end up not being able to finish the idea on paper/on screen which sucks. My brain moves too fast then my hands ever will and I'm trying to still savour an idea even with that happening but finding it difficult (but hell, can't call myself a writer if I don't!)

6. A "break." No, not like Ross & Rachel. - #Omgmeso90s. Anyway, this bit means that I'm rather fond of leaving it for a few days where I then either never pick it up again or will attempt to return and write at a much slower pace. The latter's happening more frequently recently which is fantastic.

7. COFFEE, MIDNIGHT AND INCONVENIENT! - This is the part of the show where usually late at night I suddenly get a dawning spurt of muse and must write meainng I'll sit up for hours on end trying to write with coffee fueling me and I'm rather strange in the late hours in the evening.

8. Another "break". Then, say I'm going to do it but don't - I procrastinate until I never do it. OR someone tells me/threatens me to do it. OR I do actually get the bloody iron will to do it.

9. PLEASE. ENDING. COME SOON. - FUCK SAKE YOU STUPID FUCKING ENDING OF STORY WRITE YOURSELF RIGHT NOW OR I WILL KILL YOU ARGH.

10. Finished! Now what to never read it! - Basically. You may notice my grammar's broken in a lot of posts and that's because of step 10. I struggle to read my own work but I'm (once again I say this) improving and then I finish it and may/may not show it to people. But then I miss the piece of writing and then take a prolonged break from writing but am slowly finding myself with too many ideas to do that now!

So yes, a breakdown of the creative process. Now back to writing!

I ALSO NEED TO STOP PROMISING THINGS AND NOT DELIEVERING

OK. I will post N.E.R.D.S. Easter Spesh#3 tomorrow. And by next week - this blog will not be having stories or poetry as I have blogs for those things now. But I've sort of got what I want to post lined up:

• Thing About Me Is#4
• Am I a believer? (Parts 1 + 2) 
• COMIC CON VIDEO! [THAT'S RIGHT I'M GOING TO COMIC CON...HOPEFULLY] - I should probably explain more about that too! 8D

It's a busy time. So they'll come whenever. 

I NEED TO STOP MAKING MORE BLOGS

Part 3 of my story to be coming soon. However, I have a new blog for all these sorts of posts in the future (and for friends to send me to post!):

http://nerdysuperheroesandwhatnot.blogspot.co.uk/ 

Okay. Now I'll post Part 3 on both blogs and also other things there. This blog will have everything else and my NaPo with not be used after April 31st (till next year!) There is also another post on the way for this blog too! So Rants, NaPo and a specialist blog for dorky superheroes. The mighty three. (For now).

THE FINAL PART - COMING VERY SOON TO A BLOG NEAR YOU

YES, AFTER MUCH ANTICIPATION, A NEW LINE OF STORIES I'M FINALLY READY! (Well, not really. Just Jester threatened me saying that I have to write it). THE EXCITING FINAL INSTALLANT OF THIS EASTER-LATE-TASTIC ADVENTURE!

Well, it'll be done probably by tomorrow. Hopefully coinsiding with the release of Jester's Part 4 so it'll be like a real ol' Comicbook day!

MINI RANT: I'm tired, ill and stressed. (The Holy Trinity)

It's a small rant.

First off - I've got these benign chest pains along with shortness of breath, struggling to focus and also incredibly shaky. Then I'll be near collapsing off my feet. Now, we think it's down to stress due to me restarting up school and it's pressure on with exams and courses and what not. But actually, I feel pretty alright on the whole except for feeling stressed. I guess what I'm trying to say: I don't feel as bad as I have down in the past so it doesn't make sense for me to be like this just because of my feelings. I'm constantly tired, having done nothing all day I'm only as half as tired after doing six hours of school and then my sleep pattern is completely out of whack completely. So now my body is like: ERHGURgiojbheguierhgreuigh and I have to try to just carry on really as that seems my only option.

It's a pain in the arse as, nothing is truly wrong I'm sure because other signs would go off but being pain is tiring and brings you right down so now I'm basically a huge lump of space that whines a lot, is eating loads and not really good for much. I bloody hate being likes this, really driving me up the fucking wall if I'm honest. Already, after a few days, I want to be better but I'm not seeing much of a result. A trip to the Doc's was meant to be today but due to the stupid system of incisive ringing that only old people get through as they must be linked with the phone telepathically, I didn't get to. Thus, it's back to school and I have achieved nothing and today was a waste.

Sorry to everyone having to put up with my state right now. Hopefully I'll clear up in a few days and be back to my...hm, need to think of more positive way to describe my 'good moods'. Anyway, what I do like about the internet is that it tends to balance out as a place to whine and a place to find some lols. Such as my friend destroying a chair with an axe.

Enjoy.

See you on the other side, readers. (Part 3 of N.E.R.D.S. Easter Special, along with everything else to post, on hold).

LONG AWAITED VIDEO!

Sorry it took so long - uploading is a bitch. I do not film well either. 

My NaPo: http://ulysnapowrimo.blogspot.co.uk/

Jacob's Blog http://ithankyoufornothing.blogspot.co.uk/

N.E.R.D.S Easter Special - Part 2

Editor's Note: Facebook Notes was murdering this with it's shitty text body and so I figured I'll post it on my blog. Part 1 will come up with it at some point but this is something for the friends. Hope everybody enjoys the second half; I wasn't as impressed by it this time round but I'm sure it's formidable! (Also: apologies to Beth in our year for her depiction). 

N.E.R.D.S. Easter Annual#2 - When the sh*t begins to escalate!

Two figures stalked the night not very silently at all. Jumping from rooftop to rooftop, one had begun to moan over her relatively skimpy costume. It was ignored – only taken in as part of her “superpower” and thus the whining went unheard by her companion. Or, boss, as he would put it. Together they were trying to fight crime or maybe just have a bit of laugh: no one was quite sure. Suddenly they arrived at their familiar base: the Underground Porno Casino in Creuddopolis. A sigh came from the female as she looked at the bright lit sign. She couldn't believe that this was what she would forever be associated with.

“Jester, do we really have to be part of this Underground Porn Casino?” MindNumbing Miriam finally plucked up the courage to ask him.

“Be careful, MindNumbing Miriam, your powers of MindNumbingness nearly melted my brain!” The Jester turned dramatically and shouted. She rolled her eyes as he was nearly on the floor, suffering immense pain.

“All I did was ask a question!” She protested. “I wish I was cooler, like Super-Giant or Pun Man or--”

“AAAARGH!” The Jester shouted, the MindNumbingness became too overbearing!” And then, Miriam shut her mouth for the time being. Heading inside, a Porno casino is something like a Las Vegas set up mixed with a lot of CENSORED imagery by the Comics code. It had several near naked ladies (doesn't every comic? HIYOOO!) and eventually there was a back room for the two to enter. Inside, a huge D insignia was on the wall with an office for the Jester to sit in, not to mention a hugeass movie screen for his viewing pleasure.

As the two walked in they noticed there was a beeping on the special phone that was only called by Super-Giant. That was because the Jester only had three contacts who had the number, it was actually just his public phone but to be honest, he doesn't like people that much. Suddenly, the two stared each other with a quizzing look before dashing to the phone and picking it up, suddenly a split-screen opened up with the familiar voice of a superhero speaking down through it. The Jester took the phone of MindNumbing Miriam by pushing her over violently, snatching it to begin the conversation.

“Super-Giant?! How are you alive?! You supposedly were blown up in the last part--” The Jester protested. He hated when a fucking story made no sense.

“Jester, no time for rationality and logic! What do you think this is, a well developed story? Anyway, we have a problem – and I need every N.E.R.D. There is around!” Super-Giant also had a gigantic voice box so MindNumbing Miriam heard every word of this too. (Yeah, we'll go wit that).

“What the hell is going man?!”

“It's the Easter Bunny, Jester, he's got a devilish plot to kill everyone by making the most delicious easter egg, giving us a taste of it so that'll all fight each other and kill for it!”

“Holy shit! That's almost as bad as MindNumbing Miriam's obsession with the D!” The Jester cried.

“Oh my God, I don't have an obsession with your D! I don't want you D!” She insisted but both Super-Giant and the Jester rolled their eyes. They knew the truth.

“Don't worry Super-Giant, I'll help. I hate the idea that anyone thinks they can make people more selfish then ME!” The Jester yelled and then hung up the phone. He ran outside, lighting a cigar on his way and quickly grabbed some keys.

“Quickly, to the D Mobile, MindNumbing Miriam!”

“I refuse to ride in a car called the 'D Mobile' Jester.” She said flatly.

“It's not called the D mobile, what are you on about? Honestly, this isn't the time for your obvious obsession with the D!” He jumped in and started to rev the engine of his car. His sidekick let out an exasperating sigh before joining him.

Meanwhile...

The trio who had gathered in the first part of our epic saga had suddenly found themselves in quite the predicament which the previous scene has already proved they got out of it alive. And you all thought, by now, there would be no logical explanation! WELL, YOU THOUGHT....probably correct! The three saw the explosion go off and suddenly, Super-Giant did what any gigantic superhero would do in that situation; he tried eating the explosion and then hoped it would just destroy his GIANT kidney stone inside of him!

“Super-Giant, you can't expand your jaw that wide! It'll dislocate!” 00J protested, always spoiling Super-Giant irrational/illogical fun.

“You're forgetting, 00J! This is a fictional story—I mean, I have a super-enhanced jaw that'll let it expand to 5x the normal capacity, yeah, we'll go with that! Cranium Steele, intense guitar playing!” Super-Giant bellowed and Cranium Steele fingers suddenly looked like they were about to catch fire as he played at a super fast rate with Super-Giant's jaw expanding as he ate the crispy, orange explosion. There was a look of amazement, disgust and a great amount of suspense as Super-Giant ate the whole explosion.

All were blasted back and everywhere was in ruin. The whole town of Llandudno now looked more like Rhyl. Cranium Steele took the blast quite well, it just felt like the beating of a drum. He got up first to see if Super-Giant was okay. Seeing that something was about to be released from his mouth, Cranium stepped back as her allowed for his comrade to spew out any 'left overs'. A burp was ferociously released.

“Are you okay?!” Jordan said as he helped up the leader of N.E.R.D.S up onto his feet.

“Yeah...” He began, “but I feel like I've just ate 300 Wotsits that were a bit chilli flavoured!” Super-Giant looked around for 00J, who gradually got up onto her feet.

“Any clue as to where the Easter Bunny might be then?” 00J asked the two of them. They turned to one another before a look of epiphany came across Super-Giant's rather stretched face. After doing his “eating explosion” trick it seemed to mess him up for a while.

“I think I know but we need back-up if we attempt to attack.” He told them.

“Where?!” Cranium Steele asked, as if representing the readers in suspense. Super-Giant turned to him with a half-smile on his face. This was not going to be good. (Well, not good as in – bloody difficult. And the writing isn't that good but it's just that in this context the story was about to take a leap into rather dangerous area).

“The only place I could've ever expected the Easter Bunny to be – WILLY WONKA'S CHOCOLATE FACTORY! I should've known assumed this from the beginning. And before you two object as this seems to have no coherent thought whatsoever story-wise, I'll explain on the way but it'll cut to a different scene to build up suspense!”

Back to our other “heroes” - The Jester and MindNumbing Miriam!

This music played in the background as the D Mobile bounced up and down with the Jester riding smoothly in his car. MindNumbing Miriam tried to duck and cover so that no one would glimpse her as she sat next to her supposed-Superhero mentor. He had to admit, this was amazingly fly. But she couldn't shake off the idea that this was just the most humiliating ride she'd ever had in a car. At least the Lantha played music that wasn't so NSFW (anyone who figures out that abbreviation gets a free issue from the Editor!)

Driving wildly on the road, The Jester was not safe behind the wheel. He drove at 260MPH, had a tendency of making sure he was the most insane on the road and not to mention the fact that he had a cup holder designed perfectly for Bourbon (because he is the exact sort of person to be into that drink). MindNumbing Miriam had to find her calm place, usually resulting in a frantic call to B.E.T.H. - a robot she built so she could have someone in her life who wasn't constantly mean to her and wouldn't always accuse her of wanting the D.

“HELP ME, I THINK JESTER'S GOING TO KILL ME!!” She screamed in the back of the car as she was getting thrown from side to side due to the lack of seatbelts.

::“I'm sure that's not true—hey, that's a cute little bunny..”:: B.E.T.H replied, quickly the phone was cut off. Miriam's eyes widened in the next panel with a mahoosive:

“OH NO!” being screamed. The Jester, who was fairly busy as Police Officers were once again chasing them, had suddenly had a twang of great MindNumbingness which stopped him immediately. The car skidded on its side and the Jester was about to shout before he heard the cries of B.E.T.H and gnawing of Bunnies (don't ask how the Jester can recognise that sound immediately). The Car had caught fire in places where it was not meant to be on fire and it seemed that they weren't going to get far. But page-space was running out in this N.E.R.D.S issue and the word suspense had been thrown around too much thus, they were miraculously saved by the Jester great 'ejection seat' (which he also called “the Bad Date Ender”).

Thrown outside with no parachutes, they landed outside of a restaurant. Inside, they could see B.E.T.H who had gone there for some lunch, as MindNumbing Miriam explained off-panel to the Jester. Though he didn't like to do any heroic acts, he did happen to hate Bunnies. And also – B.E.T.H was the person who could get him a break from the most annoying sidekick of all time aside Jar Jar Binks so he had to save her for his own sanity! With the D Mobile lying on the motorway in scraps it was time to jump into action. Smashing down the front door (though it was open) this comedic duo leapt into action and began to attack one of the several hundred bunnies that had accumulated.

The Jester threw a table on several of the bunnies,crushing them while MindNumbing Miriam quickly tried using her custom-made “utility belt” and using some of the weapons but already, they began to overwhelm. Instead, she began to talk about something and quickly, the MindNumbingness had sunk in and each Bunny was being destroyed by it. She realised that actually; maybe her superpower IS pretty cool after all! Punches of POW and OOO-THAT-GOTTA-HURT were thrown by the two before suddenly a third figure of heroism was revealed amongst the citizens sitting down and scared for their lives. The Jester's face lit up as he saw him rise above the crowd.

“STD MAN!” Jester cried, seeing his good ally suddenly poison the bunnies. For one thing that bunnies can't live without, like 20 year old men, is their libido. Each bunny had began to suddenly drop down dead and B.E.T.H (who had been surrounded by rather taller, sturdier bunnies) was saved by STD Man.

“That's right, Jester, I'm here. Now, ma'am!” He said saving the robot-female.

She had started to smile/acknowledge his existence and was about to lean in and hug him before suddenly touching him and she then lost any of that driving adrenaline after being saved. She walked over to the Jester and her friend, MindNumbing Miriam.

“Thank heavens you're okay!” Miriam said, quickly hugging her. “What happened?!”

“We were all here and suddenly; there was this Easter Bunny. He began to tick and all of a sudden - hundreds appeared. When there was ping sound, all of them released something called a "sample chocolate" and we all began to suddenly feel paranoid! Then it said: 'sample failed' and we were attacked!" B.E.T.H explained.

"I'd only just broken free," STD Man said. "Then I see you guys. This is bad, guys. Real bad." He explained and they both nodded. This was obviously the manic planning of the Easter Bunny.

A small bunny had begun to appear. Before they attacked it, a small piece of chocolate was released. They were tempted to take it but opted not to and broke a piece off of it, storing it somewhere safe. As they were about to walk away epically, a mouse suddenly tasted it, looked around and then began to attack at their feet.

"My God, it must be so addictive that it's worth killing for!" Miriam exclaimed, though most found it MindNumbing and B.E.T.H had to repeat it.

"But that'll take ages!" Jester cried. "Unless....Unless he went to some sort of chocolate factory!" Clicking his fingers, Jester got ready to steal a car. Quickly, there was a huge 6 seater that the Jester took and had started the engine and headed out on the road. "Super-Giant...If you can hear this: we're on the same plot point! We're coming soon!!" And they rode badassley into the distance towards Willy Wonka's factory.

Deep in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory...

"Curses!" Said a high-pitch voice in the darkness staring at some monitors with CCTV looking at the events that have just unfolded. "The Author was a fool to think he could do all this 2 parts. There's PowerPaige, Wey-Man, Captain MindMash and Pun Man - who we don't know there whereabouts and also a huge fight scene with me!" A cackling insisted.

"You...You won't get away with this..." Said the frail voice of Pun Man. His comrades - PowerPaige, Wey-Man and Captain MindMash - were all out cold. He fell into unconsciousness.

"See, any good story goes in three parts - like Easter! Except there won't be any return from this death, MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Screamed the Bunny. 

END OF PART 2 - PART 3 COMING VERY VERY SOON! WILL PUN MAN AND THE REST SURVIVE? AND: THE EPIC FINALE OF THIS EASTER-TASTIC BRAWL!

DECISION.

I've opted to not do a "Review for a friend" section. Why? Because it's stressing me out. That's why. More fun to come just not in long winded rigidness. Video and thing about me is#4 are next, along with Part 2 of my short story all coming either today or tomorrow evening. 

A letter to my ten year old self.

My friend Jacob, who's got a new blog called "Everything makes me sick" and he did an entry I was fond of. A "letter to my ten year old self." We spent the day together today along with my other friend who I've been friends with for years and I got thinking about my time in primary school and how unlike most, I did in fact hate it and do not look back fondly. Anyway, I thought I'd take a crack at this letter to my past self. I may spoil my future but I don't think blog posts can cause paradoxes.

Dear Uly, 

I wasn't sure how to say hi so I'll jump straight to the facts. Right now (if I remember correctly) you're crushing over a girl who is "miles out of your league". And that probably sucks. But the thing is - she ends up going out with a meathead who you're sure isn't going to pass his exams in his future and probably done pot at the bus stop. She doesn't turn out as good as she use to be because she allowed make up and fake tan to ruin her. There is of course the case of your other 'friend-who-is-a-girl' who you'll really start to notice isn't that much of a 'friend'. On top of that, you're old fash' Teacher whose really starting to bug ya'. And you can't shake the feeling that everything's just never quite. I can feel for ya, buddy. 'Cause it's all about to go to shit for a while. 

Your Dad did something. You're pissed but you're not pissed at the right person. But you'll get over that. And you'll learn to love and respect her, to enjoy the extended-family and to really embrace your Dad. Out of the things he does? 

This is just simple. 

This is something that you really needn't worry about. But I know, it's hard. We've got ideas in our brains you and me. And I want to tell you that goes away and your brain settles down but kid? This is only the beginning. You're life is going to be a shithole in a few years and there's really nothing you can do about it. OHMAN doesn't that just SUCK for you? I almost laugh at your innocence in many ways but at the same time: lovingly admire it. And in some ways, it really doesn't go away. 

So what can I actually tell you that's of any use at all? Well, you're about to fall out with someone but you'll soon realise it was the best thing to ever happen to you two. Then, you're going to become more close with someone who you'll be calling your "husband". Yeah, I know, weird. Then you'll meet these people - OH MY THESE PEOPLE! Wonderful, glorious, hilarious, clever, like minded people. That moment you've waited for those guys to turn up, it'll actually happen. You'll probably miss it most of the bloody time because the transition is so bloody natural. There's also this one person - Tels - she's gonna be WILD. I mean, current-crush is wild and so are a few others. But this one, my little buddy, is going to be a whole new bag o' tricks. (Can't say I didn't warn me).

Horrible, sad, bitter, painful things will come from here on out. The road ahead, little Ten Year Old Uly, will be a test far greater then I want you to ever worry about. But it'll work out in to this time and it'll be rather good ride - even with the stress and the drama and all the others things that flow into your life rather easily. One last thing - LEARN TO IGNORE YOUR BROTHER. FOR GOD SAKE HE'S JUST A BLOODY TROLL. 

Love (and really, you're going to struggle using that with yourself so enjoy it), 

Another young Uly.