Arguing and failure and why am I posting?

Already, I'm taking this "being more open" thing a bit more. Got in an argument with a close friend. Really big one, I don't want to discuss details but I feel sick, I've been crying slightly and I'm just a big ball of sadness and rage. I can't shake it which means I'm probably going to have stay up until I can cleanse myself slightly before sleeping. (Always a rough night if I go to bed angry). I want to do many things but the only thing I can think of right now that makes any sense is grab some hot chocolate, maybe even some chocolate and hope that things will be better when I wake up tomorrow. Have a shower, get dressed. You know - live. I'm a bad motivational speaker. But this isn't about you.

To make myself feel better, I wrote this:

I'm wanting tomorrow to be better,

But first I have to get there, 

so let's live the night 

as best we can, with tears

and maybe beer and food. 

Some good loving, 

some tender caring. 

Tomorrow will be better,

but first I have to get there.

And it's shit. Ah well. Now to eat. 

How I run my blog.

A few weeks ago, I was chatting with a family member who I hadn't seen in a while. They asked me:

"So what's new?" And, naturally, I got them more or less up-to-date with what was happening in my life. One of the things I mentioned was my blog; it's somewhere people can read and really get to know me. But she said something in reply to this:

"Well be careful! Don't post everything up there, you never know who might be reading." It's a very fair point. I don't know who is reading. And while I respect and love this person, I disagree with them here.

Originally I was strict with what I said and how I mentioned people. Nowadays, I'm a bit more lax. For instance, I mention Jacob by name because he uses his blog as much if not more than I use mine. So he seems to be okay having his name up there online. For me, it's sort of the same thing. I'm beginning to realise how much you can learn from a glance of a facebook page. In that sense, I think I share less information here then I do there!

But anyway: I've made the cognisant decision of having a blog where I talk about my life and whatever takes my fancy. And sometimes, I even shy away from that. I want to talk sometimes about my spirituality and theological beliefs (as they're kind of important to me) and of my political stances. But I always feel under pressure to please people in life, despite my exterior not showing that all the time. If you know me, I think it comes across quite obvious.

However: not here. This is my goddamn blog. And there are risks for sharing so much and it can be weird if someone's read something first. But I'm really beginning to simply not giving a flying fuck about that. This space on the internet, on blogger, has been mine for some time and I want it to be mine. And it's about time that I really start embracing that a bit more.

I've stopped swearing as much on here because I've not wanted to offend. The advantage has come with me using my extensive vocabulary! The qualm I have with this is that I'm doing something on my "space" for other people. I stop posting about things that I think people won't agree with or something and really, the important thing to remember: it's my blog. And if people don't like it, they'll stop reading. And truth be told - that does frighten me. What if NO ONE agrees with me? Then I think about it.

WHO CARES. If you don't, let's have the debate. Let's argue our points then agree to disagree. And if you can't even do that; don't come back to read. It's really as simple as that. I'll blog derogatory comments or whatever, I'm just going to post. But really; this doesn't matter anyway. Only my friends read my blog at the moment and even then that's not strictly true. I don't know who reads it unless they reference. But maybe one day, Rants and Ramblings will branch out.

Ah, who cares. This is my space. And it's going to be whatever the fuck I want it to be.

(More to come!)

Here's a chair. Why? BECAUSE I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

My dream.

It's late at night and I've just had a sudden yearn to share some quick anecdote with you all.

When I was younger, from around 5-9, I use to have a reoccurring dream. I would walk downstairs from some stairway to a green polka-dot green table (the dots being white) and sit down at the chair. The whole kitchen was pink and there were windows to my left and in front of me. A mother figure, clad in your 50s housewife attire, would stand there doing dishes. I would hear a murmur of the following:

"Good morning," she would begin. "Would you like some cereal?" Now this is perfectly normal. Sure the American accent is off as I'm British but that's because of being introduced to a lot of American television. No, what was strange was the second this woman turned over, her blonde hair would be gone and face would not greet me. Instead, her head was a Spider. Staring with its beady black eyes, I would try to yelp but had lost all sound. She'd stand with yellow gloves and a white apron holding just one dish just above the sink.

This dream occurred several times over during my childhood, intensifying my arachnophobia to the point where even now affects me. But when I was 9 and sick of this awful dream, something much unexpected happened. As this dream began to play out, I also had a memory playing by its side (unusual for a dream, I know but the brain's an odd place at night time).

Suddenly I would see Zandy at Christmas time in his orange shirt and red trousers about to put on a cracker hat and take up a seat. And for some reason this managed to calm me right down. I can remember everything about him so clearly, only with the Dinning Room altering. While this story and dream are probably not very important I guess it's time to say thanks to Zandy for offering me such safety on this awful reoccurring dream.

Sweet dreams. Because I've had sour ones - not very nice!

Why Star Wars got it a bit wrong.

OK, so I've just started the Belgariad (series of fantasy novels by the late David Eddings - worth a read) and it has one of the classic character who's got some big destiny. I like this idea as it's one that Sci-Fi and fantasy, and stories in general, indoctrinate you with. I'm not going to bore anyone with the history of the concept but I can assure you it's most definitely to do with Hamlet and Shakespeare and then all the old folk tales that Shakespeare picked up over the years and made plays out of.

Anyway, this idea of a destiny hero turns up in some of my favourite stories: Star Wars, Lord of the Rings (Frodo + Aragon) and various others. But I really got thinking about the Star Wars destiny thing. Of course, throughout prequels and originals, it is central within the plot. And Luke was the Jedi and everything but...I'm really starting to think they got a few things wrong with that. Which I know, all my friends and Star Wars fans everywhere will go: "How're you even saying these things?!"

So hear me out: Luke Skywalker's meant to start off as a simple farm boy but develop as a character to someone rather awesome. Yet, I feel that his character development happened more in the expanded universe (I've read a fair amount outside of the six movies). His character starts off as naive and yeah - he loses his life on Tattooine because of the stuff that goes down. Then they go to the Death Star of course and that's all pretty cool. Then Ben dies. Which sucks, I know it does.

And it's already been pointed out but: Leia comforts him after the death of some old man he met in the desert after losing her ENTIRE FAMILY AND PLANET. And Luke sits there...he genuinely sits there and whines for a while. And yes, you can argue in Empires he starts to grow some balls, I will admit he's much more of a soldier character by Empires and even by Return of the Jedi but in a lot of ways? Even at the end of his fight with Vader, Luke's still a bit....puny. Which maybe I'm just being to snooty and all but you never go: "oh boy Luke deserves all the girls" in the same with Han.

Maybe it's the casting. And I can feel the burning of either my radiator (it's cold in my house) or the screams of 1,000 fanboys on this issue. And I know everyone won't see it in my light but I'm still holding my points. Luke's most badass moment was when he threatened Jabba. FREAKING LOVE THAT SCENE. Then you've  got....him. Annie. Fucking Annie. Now, the kid I don't mind. Yes, Phantom came with issues like Lindsay Lohan comes with drugs in her purse to her Grandmother's birthday party but nonetheless - you can't exactly despise a nine year old. Yet....YET.

They had a chance to cast someone decent and they didn't.  From everyone out there, they chose someone who made Anakin seem like a whiny man child who really isn't anything like how he was ever described. Me being a Star Wars Nerd, I point to how Ben Kenobi describes Luke's Father as this sort of Jedi General War Hero who also happened to be the best pilot in the Galaxy. But we didn't get that. Hell, I think there was a cheer when Anakin became Darth Vader. And it's a shame. Because it would've been great if we could've had an Anakin Skywalker who turned into Darth Vader and for everyone to go: "OH GOD, WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS!!!"

Yeah, his arrogance is needed. To just give him that edge so that he'll be impressionable. And Anakin could've been cooler. And it could've been such a better way to introduce the story instead of the poor way they did it. Though, I still love the Saga, the characters, the universe and mostly everything about Star Wars.

A Stump.

Geddit?

OK. It's Friday night and it's been a week where I had my first exam. Which went alright overall - I'm not good at judging my performance. Once I sat an exam and thought I'd done really badly but got an A so who knows how it's turned out? Revision has been painfully slow and generally I'm now flat out exhausted. But I've got writing projects/ideas that I need to get down on paper. But I've got a stump. Writing this blog post now is even difficult. I stopped believing in Writer's Block a while back because it's just a state of mind. Either you write or procrastinate. And I'm trying to write my RPG stuff, RPG System, "Superdorkism", my real Superhero stuff AND an idea for a Sci-Fi short story AND alternate history but nothing is working. I've just tried doing a sentence or two on my System stuff -- it's hurting. 

Creatively I'm at an all time high to compensate with the stress. I'm quite calm and that's because my brain is over-using the left side because I've been taxing the right side of my brain a lot. I want plans to work and already feel filled up in my summer. So my brain oozes out everywhere and thoughts are incomplete/make little sense. Earlier this week I tried ranting about a Spot cream advert (and spot cream adverts in general) and how they make me feel uncomfortable by getting people with perfect skin to try these products. It's stupid and it annoys me. But the blog post itself made no sense and it really was BAD. I don't redraft, not often anyway. That's because I have a LOT of ideas and don't have the time. 

I've got a fast brain. I'd like to think that means I'm clever but it just might mean I'm secretly ADHD. Because of this - ideas float around and play out in my head. I have to get them down on paper before that happens. It's very difficult and part of the reason I'm put off the idea of writing professionally and why I like being a GM. I get to interact with my ideas with people who are new to them. It's a good way to get my idea out and not lose it forever. Because some of my notes are compiled by other people's recollections and my own. (Just trying to be more organised though - I end up making a lot of my plot-lines very convoluted and contradicting mid-Game!)

Right now, I can't get into gear about anything. In my third thing about me is I talk about how I can be very unmotivated. I've got these ideas and want to do all these things but some how or another I lack any energy to do them. So instead I'm sat at the end of a day going: "Well shit, another day wasted." And it's becoming an increasing problem as some of my projects have set-times and I want to get them out of the way. Things are looking rather bleak at the moment. Though I am wondering if that's because I lack routine and am not doing much to ensure I build one. Very easy to become sluggish.

I probably need a trip up the mountain. Or to hang out with friends. Or some bloody thing where I can just re-cooperate. A retreat possibly. I don't know - most are saying "we have exams!" But I really cannot give up halfway through a bunch of ideas just so I can study. I've had a nice balance of the two but these past couple of days, EVERYTHING has been a mess. Lots of arguing, lots of late nights and lots of bloody nothingness. Maybe I'm on a low. Gosh, aren't blog posts the place to try to sort out one's brain? 

Anyway. I have a bunch of stuff I want to post but don't have the determination to. I need to get some mojo back. If anyone can think of something to help me with that - please just contact me with a suggestion/some advice. It'd be really helpful.

HOW PETER AND I MET.

So there I was - minding my own business when this really short guy comes down the street. I greet the short fellow with a brief "hello" until there - I realise - it is Robin! "O mighty Robin!" I yell, "Many winters have passed since our meeting. And then Robin went: "Ah yes brave knight? Have you met mine friend, o Mighty Peter of HELSBY?" Then you came along and we shook our pastie white hands. Thus, we soon became allies! Then, as months passed, I began to the magiks of Cthulhu. With this, I gathered brave knights from all over the land!

And Sir Robin and Peter were the ones up for it from the foreign lands. Thus, we began a fortnightly ritual. Alas, Sir Robin began to wane in his power and was soon killed. Yet thy bravery was great and you soon were ready to slay anything in front of you. (And listen to my whines about girls). And as time passed - we became close allies. And you were given a Peerage of Moofinshire, becoming Lord Peter Helsby!

And I was Uly.

And then we were friends! AND STARTED WRITING SUPERHEROES.

The end.

Revision Log#3: Learn more about Uly's volunteering!

(Realised this was not posted, though it's set before my recent revision log! Silly Uly!)

I volunteered for six hours and this basically took everything out of me. It's May Day thus really busy and in the local town/the location of the place where I volunteer had a huge fun fair on. Which lasts 3 days. For retailers and cafes and the like, it's one of the busiest weekends of the year in our local area. I'm fairly new to my volunteering so doing a full six hour shift with some of the rudest customers I've faced so far was rather painful. See, a lot of people were being demanding or thinking we were trying to con them and really - it was just that I was the only staff member on the till. We had a stall outside which was constantly flowing and it meant that it was rather hectic and hard to keep track. PLUS, Jacob and Curt (a dynamic duo, Jackie Boy being my bloggin' buddy) decided to be a pain in the arse for a while - THANKS FOR THAT GUYS and I had to make sure they weren't disturbing the environment too much. This was a tough day and trying to do anything was already hard seeing as I'd travelled 240 miles in less then two days on Saturday and Sun visiting the Hudds, revision was not an option by the end of the day.

Roll on next week and I hope that more is done.