Lessons learnt upon the worst week of my life.

I'm really struggling with coming up with anything to say.

For the past week or so, I've had a terrible time of it. That's not been because I've done anything, actually. In fact I think I've remained quite still. But you know when you see those TV shows where they're throwing a play and it goes awfully so the set falls down but you get some lovely message at the end of it? (I'm sure some comedy show you like has done it). Well that sort of happened. I'm wondering what messages I've learnt but I guess I already know the answer to this. And already I want to apologise for the terrible standard of English in this post but when you don't know how to put something, your language gets sloppy.

But some how or another, I've had the worst week of my life. That's not because it's been worse then other days or months or years in my life but because SO many bad things happened that it just piled all over. And if I'm 100% honest, I've not had any time to process facts in a neat, emotional fashion. So there's been no anger or sorrow even when it feels like it's appropriate but I've found those feelings not joining me. Instead I think I've just ran around after friends doing damage control. Because if I'm honest once again, my friends haven't been in the greatest shape. The real close ones too.

It's actually angered me. For a moment, I felt like Joeb. (Jobe? Not sure. Look it up if interested). From the Bible. Why? Because I honestly was self-absorbed enough to think that this was God testing my barriers of faith after I set them up. Interestingly enough, a very human event happened which did make me question what I have settled on to believe but actually I realised I'm quite strongly with the concepts I carry now. (Which I've mentioned and said before; I don't really like talking about. Spirituality is yours to keep private if you see fit to).

I guess that's what we do when situations get to us: we try to make it about us. And in a lot of ways, it really doesn't have much to do with me. Because the events were out of my control completely and utterly. But they did influence me as I've seen people cry or crushed, people so strong stand so weak. People I love more than I ever have words for if I'm truth. I'd probably walk through hell and back if that would help them right now. I'd be willing to do that at any time. Why? Because  I like to think I'm a very loving person.

To put it briefly, as I don't want to "name and shame" anything or anyone I'll put this: someone died, a couple split, someone got made homeless and then two guys got drunk. And cried. A lot. And with relationships failing around me, I really want to have a hankie and a shoulder for everyone to cry on. But I am mourning, which I probably don't really show. But basically (this I will say) I have lost a cat.

A cat whom would sit up with me and lay upon my bed in her sleepy moments or actively be on my lap as I typed away. She was, and still, with me as I would come up with brand new ideas (and I wouldn't use my whiteboard for a while because I never wanted to disturb her). I use to feed her every day and I'd get up whenever she was sick of waiting for my bed. This dates back to when I sat & watched West Wing in a month as a way to cope with December - which wasn't a good month if you log my life. With that animal companionship gone, I've felt awfully alone at the desk. I think it's almost made blog writing/my own fiction writing hard? I want to get onto writing but right now, I still have a couple of points to cover as I've seemed to not covered anything I wanted to at all.

I've learnt this week that life is about change. And that change is not always a good thing. Anyone who tells you "change is good" is full of fucking bullshit. Sorry to swear like that but I'm not really in the mood to write with moderation. Yes, now I've got to grips with this post. At last. Yes; the world is full of change. But it shall change into it's two "universal moods". Which are: joy and pain. You can't have one without the other because you'll learn to appreciate joy too much and too much pain is just not right for a man.

Which actually brings me onto the next point: appreciate the good. That's a lesson I can't stress enough. Because the "good" can be swept from right under your feet and you can be left on the pavement wondering what the hell just happened. I think I've had a lot of that on my metaphorical pavement as I can't seem to grasp what the hell HAS happened. It all seemed like some big blur because bad did just land upon me. But I really have learnt to appreciate the good of my friends. Because so many have jumped to my support, offered me a hand of love and care. And it just makes me REALLY appreciate such good in the world itself. So this is my formal thanks. I'm sure I'll repeat it personally.

One thing my brother and I (who, equally have been having a bad time of it) noted was that "we're always okay." That's the thing. You're always okay. No matter what, if you just think that, it's enough to push you in the direction of okay. Even if just slightly. And that's awesome because it's not a lie or just a comforting piece of advice, it's true. With just a little bit of will power you CAN definitely be okay and you really don't need to sweat about it. Honestly, you really can be okay. And will be.

OKAY so my final two lessons are: don't be too prepared and prepare to laugh. The first point comes from the idea that, I was totally unprepared for what happened today. I do not have a machine that can predict everything that happens because not even heightened paranoia can. Things are bound to go wrong even if you feel like you've avoided them. Jacob pointed out to me this evening something rather profound George Carling said about praying. If God has a divine plan then, praying for something to happen will mean it'll happen anyway because it's part of "the plan." Then if it doesn't, well, that's because it's part of God's "divine plan". I think the same sort of thing can be applicable to life: while there might not be a set-plan, shit is going to happen.

So prepare but always expect bad stuff. Try to come up with a plan if makes you comfy but I guess just go with the float of life. It'll lead you to what you want, you just had to get up and grab it when the time's right. You'll know that as, people generally do. That's why they miss out in the first place. Now onto my second point: laugh. Because really, that's what I did when I wasn't what to do. Laugh at the absurdity of the situation. Laugh about you feeling sad. Just laugh until you can't laugh no more then "sober up", bite the pain and then laugh a wee bit more. It's really my best piece of advice.

I want to also mention juuust a few of things before I rap up.

1) An RP site where I got to see some of my friends who I've not RPed with in a while. Once again, you guys have kinda brightened my spirits just by being hilarious, or, just by being a bit nerdy with me. Can't express my thanks to you enough.

2) My friends who are close-by: you've been awesome yet again. "I'm sorry friends for the time I desert you most days it feels like I don't deserve and I wonder that you're all still around" to quote Frank Turner, I think that says it best.

3) No matter what you've done, it does not matter now. Look to the now and then slightly glimpse to a possible future. Because whatever's happened, even if you've hurt someone I love, I hope you've done it because it's the best thing for you and fundamentally, them. Those group of people -- you're not bad. And I'll struggle to talk to you but, you're not. And I want to thank you for the good you DID instil.

Right. The lessons are in there and I've gotten something out there. I'm still in shock and eventually, will truly weep and grieve. But for now? I will settle for this.

I love you all!X