The end of another year: 2013 in reflection.

The 29th.

So I've decided for my 'end of year' post to try and do it in three segments so I can abbreviate. This one is the apologies bit that I made no fuss over the fact I've reach the limbo age of teen, 17, in which one can claim to be a child yet justify downing some vodka because you're nearly 18, after all. I've enjoyed this transaction, as it's been rather strange leaving behind 16 - an age I felt I'd settled into rather well, carrying the correct amount of angst to pull it off. 

On top of this, I've had Rants for over a year now and made no fuss. I think I'll made a fuss every prime number or something, that'd be a fun tradition to begin. But maybe not. Maybe nothing needed to be said, rants was not there over a year ago or so and now it is, serving as my "message" to the people. Well, outside of all the other sites I'm, which serve as temporary vessels whereas this is my main ship, sort of thing.

Now onto the topic at hand; the end of 2013. I'm not going to lie about this year, as it's easy for everyone to do. People either undermine what they have done or glorify it. By keeping it to the strictest reality one's memory can, you get an honest reflection. And over a period of 365 days, when you really think about it, you probably have done a lot more then you give yourself credit for. Good and bad. 

It's like when you've not seen a friend in a while then you tell them what's been 'going on' and you suddenly blank, only over the natural course of conversation being able to update them of all sorts going on. They'll interpret everything going on as very hectic and recognise your accomplishments. You won't. Why? Because it's your life, very hard to do so with your own life, you're living it. 

It's why autobiographies are shocking for many, as they realise their lives are readable, eventful things. A lot happened to me, which I'll talk about tomorrow. *Click*


The 30th

OK. So I best get on with talking about the year. Tomorrow's going to be about the future. Today is going to be about the year itself. 2013 was eventful. Every year is, like I said yesterday. But it was eventful as life happened but it wasn't as crazy as it has been. In many ways, it's been a quiet one. The first sixth months I spent a lot of time in "relationship limbo", only to have the last four be "ohgodwhyamIlonely" which are not really two great states to be at all. I had about 2 months break from this in July to August then kinda of thrown into the deep end of reality about it.

That's been tough. But then, I think about what I've accomplished: I did my GCSEs this year -- actually getting good enough grades in them (aside Maths), I found my Path to Quakerim and managed to move school 'successfully'. There were some goodbyes which do feel apt to this day for some people in my life but in many ways, I think my friends and I have bonded in ways that school was limiting us to do so. And then, this has been a year to make several new friends. Moving school does that to a fellow.

I found the move was a big event. I was so settled, or so I thought, only to be whisked away and find myself in a new environment without the friends of yesteryear that I usually had to fall back on. I flutter quite often, it's how I deal with being so extroverted. But my close friends were a safety net, who didn't just had to engage me in debate or whatever and I could just relax. I couldn't just do that with any group of people. But it occurs to me, despite theatrics, I am an honest person and that made life easier. So many new people I've met, such an excellent, thriving academic atmosphere.

Then the Quakerism. I've been on my path to learn of my light for some 5 months now and it's always changing and developing. I'm more evangelical in my practice of Quakerism, and in many ways aside living by the testimonies of Peace/Love/Equality/Truth, I actually talk more theologically like a Christian - however what I actually believe is very complex. And that's natural. The story my path is  quite simple: I turned up at the mountains and believe that there was more, as I looked around at the almost artistic beauty.

Since then, I've found myself being happier as I've answered a lot of spiritual questions. So between that and meeting a bunch of awesome new people, the year has been good to me in a lot of ways. I've opened up spiritually, learning a lot about myself which in turn has meant that the life long friend of me is actually way more likeable. That has kept me strong throughout this year. That I a worth things, that I am not worth other things. And that's honestly why I walk around with an air of exuberance...or arrogance as a lo of other people would call it. Perhaps it is!

2013 was the time I awoke; the time I began to get focused. I want to do things, I have ambitions and I want to be able to follow them through. So that is my year, in a very short manner as I don't have 365 days to relay it to you. But it's been grand, as most times are and I hope it can only better. A lot of people are feeling 2014 as a big year, for some reason I'm feeling like it's the Year of the Great Debate. And I have around...7 hours and 2 minutes until it begins, more or less. The excitement. And tomorrow, I get it'd be "resolutions" but I don't want to be shot out back so tomorrow is about the many tomorrows to come.  *Click*.

The 31st

Here we are again.

One of my biggest problems is that in the long run I never know what I want so I cross a lot in my views. It means I develop but also never actually get things done. So what I'm trying to do is make sure that I do have things done. That stories are finished, that poetry makes it past my whiteboard and then my RPG ideas actually become RPGs. Along with this, the extra-notes I plan on doing for school? Actually fucking do them Uly. Each time I've finished something this year, there's been an immense amount of pride and it's worked well. Hopefully, my to do list in 2014 will shrink as time goes on.

Pacing myself, making sure I spend the correct amount of time. I begin things but I want to make sure I see things through. Even if in 2015, 2016, etc means I don't, I want 2014 to count for me finishing everything. And not to be overly-ambitious. Currently; I have an idea for a Doctor Who fic, a Steampunk Fantasy World and Superhero stories. IT's actually just getting it down on paper, I really want to make sure I don't fuck up. Leave "WIP" on every document until I can renamed it finished. (I'd love to go through all the hard drives and dig things up but...Jesus that'd take a lot of time).

I'm not saying anything's going to be fantastic next year because, I don't know. I have a feeling that with Scottish Independence, heated up Right Wing Movements and the General Election not too far away, not to mention a heap of other problems (it'll be interesting to see where Syria is in a year for instance) there's going to be a lot of high-octane debate. I welcome you, our future, to teach us old messages some that one day we may learn something new. That really is all I have to say. Carry on doing what I'm doing, finish things, make sure we get a crack good debate out of events.

Happy New Year's Eve and goodbye to you, 2013 A.D.


*Click*

The 28th Day of the 11th Month.

Today is a rather monumental day in the calendar of Uly's teens. Around a couple of years ago, I had a bit scare that I struggle to ever forget. So today I play a lot of Frank Turner and I struggle to feel anything but sad. But that's OK. Because sometimes, we feel sad. It's all about how you deal with that. Nowadays? I think I'm pretty good at dealing with it. Back then; perhaps not. But those events have shaped me to the young man I am today. And as painful as it was, I think taking it all away would be foolish, even if I could.

Many great things have happened since then. Many bad things too, naturally. I once got told that through life - joy and pain walk hand in hand. It is something that has stayed with me forever and then some. It makes the bad times easier, knowing that it is simply natural to have bad times. Helps me appreciate the good when it's right in front of me. Which I think is good for *my* welfare - you can be as miserable as you like if it works for you but attempting shinning optimism is how I can get out of bed and how I finish the day.

It's hard. It always will be. I was speaking with a friend recently who told me we are, as humans, dissatisfied. It's how we got out of the caves. But, emotionally, that's very hard to interpret. I think that's why we have faith, or spirituality - it offers some existential satisfaction. Maybe I'm wrong, after all - I'm just sixteen year old kid trying to figure out his place in the world. And that's the honest truth of it.

I've felt numb for a lot of today - even with a lot of this rationalising about the good and bad of life, particularly to do with two years ago. I can't help it. But I think one of the reasons I've felt numb is that all I've had to do is look around and see the good things in my life. The EXCELLENT things. I'm seemingly surrounded by friends - all more smarter, kinder souls then me - who seem  to really enjoy my company.

I have an environment where finally *I* feel accepted and I'm getting to do subjects I enjoy and then, on top of that, clubs I enjoy. My old friends - we look like ancient brothers when we stand next to each other. Our encounters now are like we had been given the opportunity to simply wander to the heavens and go into our splendour memories to simply have fun.

Life is good. And I hear that life isn't so good for other people but trust me; it does get better. You have to be in charge of that, which is hard but it does. I'm a testament to it. Buddhism talks about this idea of how we're constantly getting reborn until we reach enlightenment, as a punishment. I didn't like this idea at first but it makes me think "we're all on a path to redemption". And that really sums up life for me.

Finally, between this rather cryptic ramble, I have a lot of people to thank. I was going to try and tag you all and say something different but there's a lot of you. Seriously. A lot of you. To whoever's just gone "well I hope you're okay"/"well I'm here if you need to talk", to those who've said I'm a lovely person, to those women - AH THOSE WOMEN! Who have had unrivalled patience with my foolishness, to those close friends, to the family and to the guy who saved me, 2 years tomorrow that is.

To the absent friends, the ones who stayed, the ones who've just come in and the (hopefully) many more to come in the future. I love you all. I am self-absorbed, arrogant, egotistical, theatrical, loud, strange and struggle with lots of "human" things but I do. And please, seriously, you are all so wonderful and I am honoured that you are all my friends. And without further adieu, here's the mandatory "If I Ever Stray" Quote by Frank Turner:

"If you've got my back I'll go on, if you got my back I'll go on."

X

Our final frontier? (Me being deep with Nerdyness).

All week I've been trying to think of something meaningful to say about my friends and I moving school/college/onto Sixth form but I can't think of anything. So instead, I think it's time to just quote Star Trek. Some fans would argue it holds great meaning, that Roddenberry (show creator for those of you don't know) was this great visionary. Maybe he was, I can't speak for him nor can anyone else. But there is a certain line, I'm sure most have heard it at least in parody, played at the beginning of the episodes of Star Trek the Original Series and the Next Generation. It is as follows:

                      “Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before."

 

While I don't count myself as the Captain of a Spaceship (well not really anyway), this quote seems somewhat relevant. Remove the fact it's about a science fiction Show. One thing that as a writer you begin to learn, especially when scribbling for poetry or a blog, is that words are important. Your selection can't be "whatever makes sense" it has to be "whatever seems right.". Or maybe that's me being pedantic. We will never knooooow! Words can meaning anything you want them to mean, which is how you can clarify a good actor from the bad and an honest politician from a filthy liar. It's the way they are delivered and the way they are presented. With the Star Trek "opening"? I think there's a lot of that you can rearrange to make it sound...apt for what I'm trying to say in this post that I've not been able to say because I've ran out of my own words. So please dear reader bear with me and see that I have a point with all this and not just being a complete and utter nerd. 

There was a sense that we were on a voyage for five years, on a mission to try and explore the strange new worlds of highschool and adolescence along with trying to seek out new aspects of life and trying to discover new points about civilisation. We wished to boldly go where no had gone before...In our friends group. Or, where no little 11 year old me, or my friends or my peers had gone. We wanted to be people and wanted to try and find the perks of Secondary school, to explore the world around us. That's part of life, isn't it? Everyone does some bloody exploration. Except, our three series'/five-year mission is over. Captain Kirk has been promoted, Spock's gone all Buddha and McCoy's off being a grumpy old sod in the other direction. Changes happen in the characters line but you wanna know what happened?

They made six films. And about 4/6 of them were good. Then there was the next series' and the legacy of Star Trek carried on. I guess what I'm trying to say is; Kirk, Spock and McCoy got to see each other even with the five-year mission over. Sure, it wasn't the same. They had all this character development and inside jokes that just made them seem like just a bunch of old buggers having a damn good time. I can't say I'm an old bugger, far from it. But I think we've had that character development. And sometimes, the time to hang out will never seem enough or the same as the "old days." But we're not doing that five year mission any more. It sucks but we always have that time of the "Five Year mission" to look back on. 

Right now? I'm about to engage in a two year mission. It's a lot deadlier and might not have the great support cast that the five year one did. I'm treating it like the Star Trek Animated Series; it kind of feels very out of place with itself yet oddly good. I think. Right; I think that's good enough. So remember, dear friends; we have completed our mission. I have no idea if we were successful or not but what I know is that we had a damn good laugh. And while it won't have that same feeling as just "being in class with X, Y & Z", we will have things greater then that linking us together: genuine, honest friendship. 

There we go, something moderately deep with Star Trek. 

Lyrics that evoke feelings in us.

This blog post is possibly more poetic then anything I've put up here. But, I've meaning to write about this for some time now.

Now I've gotten into a lot more music recently, notably the infamous Billy Bragg. Like Frank Turner, he's got heavy focus on his lyrics and sees it very much like Poetry applied to some instruments (or, this is the impression I've gotten off interviews and lyrics and gigs with Bragg & Turner). And there's a particular song, perhaps you've heard of it, that I've taken to. "A New England." There are very few times I say this, as it's not a statement to say candidly I believe but: this song has touched my soul. Now before I carry on, I think it's important that we clarify my own definition as to what a soul is:

You know how people say "listen to your heart" or "listen to your head"? I think it's the biggest load of bull ever said. It all boils down to your endorphins and thoughts and how your endorphins/feelings are causing the chemical reactions in your brain. But, to put it more poetically, I think that the two definitely work together. Sometimes people have their feelings over-control their thoughts (people like me) and then others have their thoughts rule their feelings. While both can be helpful, the harmony between these two ideas is what makes up a soul; treat it like the left and right sides of your brain coming together. It's your physical being, your emotional state and mentality all coming together to form your soul. It's constantly with you and something that you have for life and is forever growing. So saying that a song "touches your soul"? It's not something I say lightly.

But this song does. You know when you like a girl a go: gee, this song describes the situation perfectly! Or, when you break up with someone and it describes it aptly, or perhaps a falling out with someone, etc. Music has that power, simply because music is all about interpreting what you hear. People like Bragg, Frank Turner, folks musicians, punk rock musicians, you name it? They all believe in the philosophy that music brings people together. I'm of a similar mindset, that despite disagreeing what a song means you can still love a song with your fellow man/fellow fan of a musician. With "A New England", it basically describes my entire "sage" of liking girls. From when I was a wee lad and my childhood crushes, to now my mid-late adolescence with my first taste of love.

This is why I love poetry and music. Sometimes it can call out to you in a way the artist isn't ever expecting it to do with someone. I've emailed, tweeted and messaged bands I like about certain songs they've written and how I've had a soundtrack made up of these songs. And that to me is a truly powerful thing. And A New England? It definitely does that. I've never thought anyone could write about my entire "love life" by complete accident. It's something that if I ever get to meet Mister Billy Bragg, I'm be sure to tell him (or starstruck, similar to how I was when I met Frank Turner. Thank my bro that he managed to get some words out of me). Anyway, not only do I post the lyrics to end but also; are there any songs that evoke emotions in you in a similar fashion, reader? Comment anywhere I post this!

The Lyrics:

"I was twenty-one years when I wrote this song 

I'm twenty-two now, but I won't be for long 

People ask me when will I grow up to understand 

Why the girls I loved at school are already pushing prams 

I loved you then as I love you still 

Though I put you on a pedestal, you put me on the pill 

I don't feel bad about letting you go 

I just feel sad about letting you know 

I don't want to change the world 

I'm not looking for a new England 

I'm just looking for another girl 

I loved the words you wrote to me 

But that was bloody yesterday 

I can't survive on what you send 

Every time you need a friend 

I saw two shooting stars last night 

I wished on them, but they were only satellites 

It's wrong to wish on space hardware 

I wish, I wish, I wish you'd care 

I don't want to change the world 

I'm not looking for a new England 

I'm just looking for another girl 

My dreams were full of strange ideas 

My mind was set despite the fears 

But other things got in the way 

I never asked that boy to stay 

Once upon a time at home 

I sat beside the telephone 

Waiting for someone to pull me through 

When at last it didn't ring, I knew it wasn't you 

I don't want to change the world 

I'm not looking for a new England 

I'm just looking for another girl"

Back from my runaway, now to talk about names again.

Names for some reason seems to be a popular theme in my life.

Around 4 months ago I posted something about screenames that I use.  And I thought; "well hey I won't need to post about names ever again." But I think back to before I was blogging and how I wrote something just after I changed my Facebook display name from Xavier to Jones (my real last name). That was back when I was a bit younger and I thought "being the weird kid" was what I was meant to do. And now I look back, chuckle slightly and continue with my campaign of life. But names seem to crop up everywhere.

At Lifebeat, I found within myself the name "Bear" as a 'Spirit Name'. Now, I'm not too sure what this means or what it entails. The person who I was speaking to about spirit names used his as his well, regular name as he felt truly comfortable with it. My spirit name is a reflective of me, really; hairy, tall, standing strong, tired during the winter. And a bear will only attack you if it feels that you're a threat of some sort. It had this big grizzlyness to it that in many ways, I associate with myself. And people can think what they like about that, as spirit names & all that isn't for everyone but that name spoke to me.

Poetically, I say souls exist. I say that something can "touch our soul" because I think it's a combination of that of your mind, body and your feelings. Like; your physical body and the left & right sides of your brain makes up a soul to me. It's what makes you whole. It's more of a symbolic gesture more then anything. But that name "spoke to my soul" after I heard the roar of thunder when I claimed to not have a spirit name. It's some coincidence perhaps but I'm so spiritually intertwined currently that I cannot shrug it off as one. Perhaps that is youth and my current exploration of spirituality for me.

But this post is about NAMES! Again. And my point was; it's amazing how transparent they are. I use to use Xavier very commonly and it was okay. I've gone through a variety of screenames and still continue with my real name and hell, shortened versions of my name to "Ul" and "U". But my name is Durnik first, right? So why on Earth do we as a species fuss so much? As far as we know, we're possibly one of the only species to have developed such a system of identification. Perhaps I'm wrong. After all, I can't speak the languages of over billions of species out there. I barely manage with English and Welsh.

I should be Durnik. In fact, it's a consideration for my new school to be called Durnik. Then there's Ulysses, which is actually an Italian-Roman translation from Ulisse, which is actually an Italian translation from Odysseus. (Some simply etymology for you there). I could be Kenneth too. Or Ken or Kenny. BUT I don't like using Ken or Kenny, I have on my birth certificate Ulysses and my Parents named me Durnik but it is seldom used. Names are just things we assign and we're comfortable using certain names for certain things. Nicknames are produced as a friendly tag for someone, insults as something nasty for you to hurt someone.

And with the internet allowing you to recreate identity? You can come up with a dozen screenames now. I do, I've proven that on a post already. And now I have some strange Spirit name that I can only assume was just some weird coincidence for God to give me another name. Perhaps a "true" name but I really cannot be sure. Just because thunder roared I guess I can't just put all my cards on that? But maybe it was just a calling. I know people who have changed their birth name via legal documents, who use identities and feel more comfortable in them. And they're not doing it to stand out, they're doing it because there's safety in a name.

People believe a name can start your track to finding your identity. But maybe they are just things that accumulate like dust on some bookshelf you never attend to over a lifetime. David Eddings had characters who lived for years and years who seemed to really hold a sense of apathy when it came to the names they had been placed, even with titles of grandeur that are meant to be respected it just becomes all such a farce to the characters. And perhaps that's what names are to me nowadays. So I guess it's time to make a rap up as it's getting very rambly.

Names are things we collect, should be carried and selectively. For then, we can wonder about our identities in real ways and be able to truly explore and really wipe away fundamentals to find out who we are. I carry very little similarities to Durnik, coincidentally a traveller as my Parents intended when calling me Ulysses and vaguely similar to Kenneth. Then Bear? I'm not sure what that means. But I'm sure at some point, at some time, I will know what I'm doing with names currently.

7 Facts About Uly you may or may not know already.

Now my last post  was a big...on edge if you please. But this is designed for fun. FOR FUN DAMN YOU! Anyway, these sorts of posts are always an interesting read from POV so now it's time to do my own! I tell a lot of people a lot of different things about myself, I'm intending to get some facts that I think the majority of people will not know at all. I think a few may have made the observations mentally? IF YOU HAVE DON'T RUIN IT FOR OTHERS!

Anyway, let's go from....

#1 - I love clothes!: It's true! I love clothes. Though this doesn't necessarily mean I'm a designer kid, I just my different clothes. I love seeing when someone has gotten some amazing jumper to go with the right pair of jeans, or some really pretty dress accessorised with some nice jewellery. When I was younger, I use to apparently change my clothing up to 3 times a day. We'd just get ready to go before I suddenly felt an urge to change my clothes into something new. I've never been fashionable but I always try and be careful with clothing I pick up. I pretend when I'm out that I have "enough of things" just so I don't go on a clothes binge. Buuut then I run out clothes. Which is never fun. 

#2 - I think Shakespeare is FAIRLY overrated: I like Shakespeare as much as the next man but I do think that he's overrated in about 2 aspects. There were many poets around the same time as him who wrote Italian-styled sonnets and we don't recognise their gorgeous work as we're all too covered up by the whole "Summer's Day" la-di-da. People can argue to me that Shakespeare revolutionised the way we wrote poetry and you know, helped us develop the entirety of the English language but hats off to a lot of the other romance poets who were just as good as him. He made the sonnet this God-like poetic art form and then everyone thinks that is it when actually, you can do so many different things. Odes, free form, haiku, what have you. (That rhymed intentionally, appreciate it). 

Then secondly, Shakespeare just told the old ancient stories for a modern audience. Essentially, J.R.R Tolkien did the same thing when he wrote LOTR and George Lucas when he made Star Wars. Shakespeare is said to be this "master storyteller". Bullshit! He just modernised classical Euro/British Myths and legends so that we could comfortably watch them in the 1500s. And that is pretty impressive but seeing as there were people who recorded these epic ballads firstly, I don't think he should be heralded for genius that really, wasn't that too much of genius. Though you know, I do love a good Shakespearan poem or play. It's not that I hate him and he did incredible things and all buuut I just think he gets a lot of over-the-top credit. 

#3 - I have Ferrari Brain Syndrome: A lot of people throughout my life have called this crap but, when I was about 8 or 9 I was subjugated to a bunch of tests where there were wires to do with my brain responses to things. They could've diagnosed me with Aspergers or ADD,or ADHD or whatever at a stretch (I'm emotionally intuitive and not exactly hyper, I'll explain now) but they did say I had something which is known as "Ferrari Brain". It doesn't necessarily mean I'm clever. 

It just means that my brain goes REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY fast with loads of stuff going on then suddenly people try and grind it to a halt and that means I'm very energetic and very hyperactive most of the time. It's because I have so much always happening in my brain and I interoperate everything really fast. Actually, it's probably why I'm as impulsive as I am and why I struggle with school because I have a constant zoom going on.  It also makes me very nervous at times and makes my brain and emotions correspond badly. Which I guess all teens go through. 

#4 - Since about the age of 8 I've thought I was a compulsive liar: See, I'm not sure if that's true or not. I'm trusting of well, anyone with anything but I cannot even trust myself most of the time. It's not that I just go 'round spouting bullshit, at least I don't think I do but my brain has a moment with EVERY fact I say that says "you're speaking from your behind" so I am never sure. But then; can you recognise that you're a compulsive liar? So it's mostly a huge part of overthinking on my behalf. I operate off the idea I'm speaking the truth nowadays and if anyone ever catches bullshit from my mouth I probably haven't recognised that it was bullshit whatsoever. Maybe it's just one big overthink. 

#5 - Every time before Doctor Who: I say I don't like Doctor Who. I say I actually will not watch, won't engage and that I've never enjoyed it. I have no idea why either! But for some reason just as Who's right behind the corner, I suddenly retreat and don't want to have anything to do with it. I think it's because of my bad experience on Tumblr and all the "Whovians" there? I'm not too sure. But I was part of the 6.2 million who were watching last night and yet I *know* when a series begins? I'll be doubting my like in the show! It's hilariously strange. 

#6 - I nearly had braces: Okay so I don't know if anyone's ever noticed while looking at my ugly mug that I've got two rather prominent front teeth on top. Then if I try and shut my mouth, it's very awkward. Well imagine that but when you're 12 and it's even worse. There's actually a problem with my teeth that leads a gap between them. And for several years I use to go and see an Orthodontist who was HORRIBLE and lacked any people skills and made me get my last six baby teeth removed. Eventually, I drew a line at adult teeth getting pulled out when there is a possibility of my jaw naturally straightening. 

Well, there was that. ALSO the fact I would have braces making me slightly nazzly, glasses and was into comicbooks and not to mention off-beat, I didn't need more of a reason for kids to pick on me, I mean Jesus Christ D: So I ended up opting out. I am, however, probably going to see if I can pursue getting braces now as my gap seems to had gotten smaller then it's now back to how it use to be so I'm gaping a lot more. So girls, I may not just be staring at your beauty, it might be that I'm struggling to shut my mouth. 

And now for our seven magical shinning fact...

#7 - I LOVE MARS BARS <3: This is probably quite well known! But my favourite chocolate bar is a Mars Bar. I can't end tons and tons of them and love some good old Cadbury's Dairy Milk as something to truly gorge upon when I need a chocolate fix but there is something so magical about a Mars Bar. It's very sugary, I know and it's probably very bad for your teeth/stomach whatever but it taste sooo nice and I've always loved me a Mars Bar. Without failure, people get me a Mars Bar easter egg every year, I love the Mars Bar milkshake (but we rarely get as it's so expensive) and every once in a while, I'll take about 2 months where I won't have one just so when I do, it's glorious. 

Seriously. Mars Bars. They're amazing. You want to win my heart? Tell me you love Spider-Man, get me some flowers and a Mars Bar and we're good to go. 

So I think this has a jollier tone then my last post. Hopefully I'm going to have something up in the forms of a Part 2 to my Spider-Man film idea and eventually, I'll group them all together! I hope people enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it! 

1, 2 Fuck you! (Some incoherent angry rant about basically everything).

I'm in a bitter mood. I try not to just blog feelings as then the blog becomes a stupidly open place. And everyone warns me not to "publish my life online" but fuck you, I'm already an open person so why should I really care? If I'm in a bad mood, I'm going to bring my bad mood to light. Because I think I'm the most important being in the universe and so everyone should care. Anyway, I get in this fight about the hypothetical about if I fail my GCSEs and I have to get full-time employment. I then must pay my keep. I dunno, just pissed me off 'cause it's about £60 of wages gone and I'll have no money so not only will I lack qualifications, I'll lack money so I can't even go and do anything fun, can I. Just fuck everyone man.

I hate ranting about family here as I know people will find a way to comment on something, bring it up and start an argument online. It's fucking bullshit. Really is. I don't have space to argue with anyone online as everyone is a fucking idiot. Including me. Everyone chooses to be on the extreme of some issue, or just be arguing to "rustle jimmies" or some other bullshit. This is why we can't use the internet as some modern, interactive means of rising the level of debate. And my Brother and I had a big argument that I was coming from some idealistic, liberal aristocratic bullshit corner of trying to divide people who wish not to partake in this debate and those who do but that's taking away basic right of freedom: the freedom to choose.

Well fuck you, you apathetic assholes who claim to care whenver something bad happens to you. You're a selfish, broodish, ignorant, stupid lot who don't deserve free healthcare or safe streets. At least with all these foreigners moving in from countries WHERE THEY GET SHOT AT people can value that of democracy. Because people should give a shit and take things seriously, not as seriously as I take things seriously but seriously nonetheless. As, I've said several times earlier, it's bullshit. REALLY. ARGH. WHY DID I EVEN GET OUT OF BED TODAY? I wish I could get out of bed in some bigass house that was just handed to me on a silver platter and then I could get to work on writing 3 sentences.

I really don't have drive to do anything any more. I don't even mind. But God damn it, I think I'm about to be severely depressed again and have no choice over it at this rate. Now that, children, is oversharing. But actually fuck it, let's get rid of the stigma of Mental Health. If we all stopped fucking tiptoeing for each other the whole fucking universe would run a lot smoother. Now we just spend time trying to pander to people. God, I hate that. Pandering and apathy - they run rampant in society and we shouldn't be laughing and we should get up and do something and only laugh when they begin to burn us for something.

Shame really. Wanted my first post back from lifebeat to filled with the positivity that was instilled within me because that was such a wonderful place. It was a creative arts camp where we had such a close, open, loving community. I've made some truly fantastic friends. Which is why my Part 2 of the Spider-Man trilogy hasn't come out yet. Which I may/may not decide to do via a Youtube video as, I've not filmed a Youtube video in a while. I do need a better camera though. Have you ever noticed how completely upper-middle class a lot of the famous Youtubers are? It's how they're successful, metinks.

I feel slightly better. Results are getting to me, a lot more then I thought. But I also think I've got an itching amount of tension after a huge fight with someone. Who I am not going to name as someone will read it and somewhere along the pipe lines this'll make it to that someone. So instead it's just anonymous. There we go. RRRRNNNNG I need to go and do something constructive with this Hulk like rage. When it comes to me, everyone is fucked.