Uly talks about God even though he doesn't like talking about God.

Things I don't like having happen to me: someone inquired about my "relationship with God." Ugh, I hate this question. Because frankly? It's none of your damn business. I was engaged in theological debate and discussion with someone who came across as a Liberal Catholic (actually -- scratch that. She IS a liberal Catholic from the sounds of it). And they asked me what I believed and right now that's going through another transformation - which I have been meaning to get at but it I never seem to have the right words for it. That's because I don't actually understand it right now.

I was an Atheist. I didn't "see" any form of a God. Then I had a strange moment up on the White Rock (a local Mountain point) where I looked out to the Mountains and was convinced that such beauty had to be shaped by some sort of divine, quintessential artist on a grand cosmic scale. And it sounds stupidly simple, most of my beliefs have happened because of stupid moments like this. And by no choice of mine I've become an Agnostic "theist" meaning I believe in God most of the time but have extreme Atheist moments where I don't "see" anything.

I feel like I have to put " " around the see because of some dickhead once again: 'Ah, you only believe what you see!' And I was there like: No. I just...STOP BEING STUPID. Anyway, moving on. My theories have been somewhat discordant at times because I've not wanted a structure for my beliefs but would like to have a more "in-tune" awareness of God. And it's hard to do that when my faith has strange ideas (in my head, anyway). OK, so to me, God has a plan. But I don't think any of us are smart enough to fit what the hell that plan is.

But I want to move to Canada. And I said "God told me to" which sounds crazy but it's this "Plan" idea. The plan is, for me, to move Canada because something deep inside of me told me to do that. Recently, I decided a major life decision in the Shower. It's sort of all part of his divine plan for us as individuals. And that makes things weird and it's not comforting as I don't really trust an existential being with my life because generally they're only skill is making shit like Cobras. Seriously. WTAF God.

Anyway, but one thing I've been telling people is that I'm edging towards Quakerism. One of the things there that I'm agreeing with is that your relationship with God is personal. Because even if, like me, you believe that God is either just a manifestation of the human mind for unexplained sciences (or maybe God gave people free will to be an Atheist because frankly, "my God" is a bloody creator with such big plan, not just a high 'n' mighty king/his own father to a Cosmic Zombie).

*sigh* I don't like about this. My friends are Atheists and not being Atheist still does weird me out. And I'm figuring it out. Also theologians are a bunch of know-it-alls. Seriously. But yes, stop asking. When I have an answer I won't give it to you and finally, when I'm done, I'll just do what I want in silence and get on with life. Because it's not meant to be "why are we here" it's "what are we doing here? Let's get moving!".