Things I don't like having happen to me: someone inquired about my "relationship with God." Ugh, I hate this question. Because frankly? It's none of your damn business. I was engaged in theological debate and discussion with someone who came across as a Liberal Catholic (actually -- scratch that. She IS a liberal Catholic from the sounds of it). And they asked me what I believed and right now that's going through another transformation - which I have been meaning to get at but it I never seem to have the right words for it. That's because I don't actually understand it right now.
I was an Atheist. I didn't "see" any form of a God. Then I had a strange moment up on the White Rock (a local Mountain point) where I looked out to the Mountains and was convinced that such beauty had to be shaped by some sort of divine, quintessential artist on a grand cosmic scale. And it sounds stupidly simple, most of my beliefs have happened because of stupid moments like this. And by no choice of mine I've become an Agnostic "theist" meaning I believe in God most of the time but have extreme Atheist moments where I don't "see" anything.
I feel like I have to put " " around the see because of some dickhead once again: 'Ah, you only believe what you see!' And I was there like: No. I just...STOP BEING STUPID. Anyway, moving on. My theories have been somewhat discordant at times because I've not wanted a structure for my beliefs but would like to have a more "in-tune" awareness of God. And it's hard to do that when my faith has strange ideas (in my head, anyway). OK, so to me, God has a plan. But I don't think any of us are smart enough to fit what the hell that plan is.
But I want to move to Canada. And I said "God told me to" which sounds crazy but it's this "Plan" idea. The plan is, for me, to move Canada because something deep inside of me told me to do that. Recently, I decided a major life decision in the Shower. It's sort of all part of his divine plan for us as individuals. And that makes things weird and it's not comforting as I don't really trust an existential being with my life because generally they're only skill is making shit like Cobras. Seriously. WTAF God.
Anyway, but one thing I've been telling people is that I'm edging towards Quakerism. One of the things there that I'm agreeing with is that your relationship with God is personal. Because even if, like me, you believe that God is either just a manifestation of the human mind for unexplained sciences (or maybe God gave people free will to be an Atheist because frankly, "my God" is a bloody creator with such big plan, not just a high 'n' mighty king/his own father to a Cosmic Zombie).
*sigh* I don't like about this. My friends are Atheists and not being Atheist still does weird me out. And I'm figuring it out. Also theologians are a bunch of know-it-alls. Seriously. But yes, stop asking. When I have an answer I won't give it to you and finally, when I'm done, I'll just do what I want in silence and get on with life. Because it's not meant to be "why are we here" it's "what are we doing here? Let's get moving!".
Monday 17 June 2013
Tuesday 11 June 2013
Do you think this is angry? (A note to girls!)
OK. I'm in a haughty mood which gets to haughty thinking. (I use bloody haughty, deal with it in your time if you please). I want to get this out there, off my chest and straight across the world itself. "Internet famous", hell historically I want this small piece to be sent through all of the world itself.
I hate when girls (and I use girls as a straight white man who hasn't ever batted for the other side yet - in fact as a young man from Wales who knows very little about the world) ask: "Do you think I'm pretty?" And here's why.
It puts me in an impossible situation. If I hesitate then there's an immediate assumption I mean no. If I don't then girls spend time saying how they are not and I spend a conversation not at all convincing them. I know girls, society hasn't been fair. With models and media pushing a "perfect woman" icon it gets to be very hard to not have yourself thinking you're fat and ugly and need to be changed in every single way.
When I hesitate it's for a number of reasons: I'm not too sure what to say, I'm not nervous or just generally uncertain with how to react. But it doesn't mean you are ugly. We all have preferences because we do like a face. I'll admit -- bad us for having that sort of thing going on. But biologically, you could argue that it's to ensure we have an 'attractive' (i.e. our preference) mate. I swiftly move on from Biology as I did an exam in that already.
If I jump up and say "well gee golly I think you're a doll!" Then there's this whole you denying it, me trying to convince you and then getting nowhere with the conversation because you won't build your self esteem up from one guy. Hell, a hundred men couldn't make you do that. But here's the thing: go off whatever word I've just given you, don't question it too much and move on. I think you have a nice face and if you're asked for "you" (in this context, me) then nothing, in this context, else matters.
There's also the whole "oo he luuurves her!" because I said a girl is pretty. People, get over that. I got caught in a room with a girl alone recently after an exam and the immediate assumption of a Staff member was that we were "getting-it-on". Just because we're girl and boy. But that's a different rant for another day, I'm going back to whole this "Do you think I'm pretty?" Thing.
You're doing it to fish for compliments. Which is never cool. But you're also doing it to build up your confidence. That's cool, I can relate to that. But just analysing whatever my answer is won't get you anywhere and will make me hesitant to ever compliment you again because I'll just think it's some sort of right/wrong answer mind game that you're playing with me. I cannot be bothered doing it so just get on with whatever the hell you were doing before.
Some guys will like girls with thin waists and big titties and big bums. But other guys won't. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and if he likes that then let him get on with it. Personally, if you're looking for some sort of "package" instead of a person then you're going wrong. I've had fairly similar interests in girls I've liked: they've been very nice, lovely to talk to and extremely pretty. I'm generally not fussed I've began to realise though do have some "bad inclinations" but I think that's part of teenager boyishness.
ANYWAY, stop moaning about it. You asked me a question, I answered honestly. If people can't spend al day boosting my self esteem then they can't do it to yours.
I hate when girls (and I use girls as a straight white man who hasn't ever batted for the other side yet - in fact as a young man from Wales who knows very little about the world) ask: "Do you think I'm pretty?" And here's why.
It puts me in an impossible situation. If I hesitate then there's an immediate assumption I mean no. If I don't then girls spend time saying how they are not and I spend a conversation not at all convincing them. I know girls, society hasn't been fair. With models and media pushing a "perfect woman" icon it gets to be very hard to not have yourself thinking you're fat and ugly and need to be changed in every single way.
When I hesitate it's for a number of reasons: I'm not too sure what to say, I'm not nervous or just generally uncertain with how to react. But it doesn't mean you are ugly. We all have preferences because we do like a face. I'll admit -- bad us for having that sort of thing going on. But biologically, you could argue that it's to ensure we have an 'attractive' (i.e. our preference) mate. I swiftly move on from Biology as I did an exam in that already.
If I jump up and say "well gee golly I think you're a doll!" Then there's this whole you denying it, me trying to convince you and then getting nowhere with the conversation because you won't build your self esteem up from one guy. Hell, a hundred men couldn't make you do that. But here's the thing: go off whatever word I've just given you, don't question it too much and move on. I think you have a nice face and if you're asked for "you" (in this context, me) then nothing, in this context, else matters.
There's also the whole "oo he luuurves her!" because I said a girl is pretty. People, get over that. I got caught in a room with a girl alone recently after an exam and the immediate assumption of a Staff member was that we were "getting-it-on". Just because we're girl and boy. But that's a different rant for another day, I'm going back to whole this "Do you think I'm pretty?" Thing.
You're doing it to fish for compliments. Which is never cool. But you're also doing it to build up your confidence. That's cool, I can relate to that. But just analysing whatever my answer is won't get you anywhere and will make me hesitant to ever compliment you again because I'll just think it's some sort of right/wrong answer mind game that you're playing with me. I cannot be bothered doing it so just get on with whatever the hell you were doing before.
Some guys will like girls with thin waists and big titties and big bums. But other guys won't. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and if he likes that then let him get on with it. Personally, if you're looking for some sort of "package" instead of a person then you're going wrong. I've had fairly similar interests in girls I've liked: they've been very nice, lovely to talk to and extremely pretty. I'm generally not fussed I've began to realise though do have some "bad inclinations" but I think that's part of teenager boyishness.
ANYWAY, stop moaning about it. You asked me a question, I answered honestly. If people can't spend al day boosting my self esteem then they can't do it to yours.
Wednesday 5 June 2013
Just a quick note to the Universe.
Dear Universe,
Why can't I write?
Why can't I have ideas?
Why can't I just be trapped in my own world?
Why can't I have my answers which I crave?
Why can't I leave my mortal body for a day, to wander as a soul?
Why can't I enjoy this sunshine?
Why can't I understand these clouds of feelings?
Why can't I being something aside the great Storm?
Sincerely, Uly.
(Not necessarily really-bad mood but just stuff playing on my mind in some sort of poetic sense).
Monday 3 June 2013
My bag is getting empty.
At the dinner table, my family and I shared conversation about current affairs. Ranging from Sharia law and Julian Assange, I found myself generally out of depth but also very miserable. Eventually, I expressed my misery in dramatic fashion of how I cannot continue any longer because a lot of this talk downright depresses me. I am sort of big into my politics - or so I thought - and do try to keep up. But in comparison to many like my Dad or Brother, I seem to have the cotton wool over my eyes.
And Dom, being very intolerant of people just moaning and not changing attitude to stop moaning, told me to just be quiet sign the petition and tune out. I looked oddly, conversation carried on and we continued to talk of current affairs. I didn't add as much but you know - conversation carried on etc. But what Dom said got me thinking. What I said before that just got me pondering too. Well, actually, I'm lying. I've felt like this for some time now. Generally; I like to know how Governments should work. I like some Political fiction (such as West Wing) and come across as "politically minded."
But over time I've begun to realise: I like knowing how different forms of Government work, I like idealised politics on TV and generally when I can see a fantasy play out in a world where things seems purer. And I'm not upset about this.
I like Political History. And Political Theory, just say "well gee; imagine if were using this and this". On top of that - I happen to like fictional politics. Why? Because it's the same reason I like science fiction like Star Trek: it gives me hope. That humans can achieve things, that people will do good things fundamentally. That men, even with power, are very very human. But it's sort-of a big lie: that's why we have WikiLeaks and Anonymous - because of the corruption around us. And speaking as a young man, I found that very difficult to deal with a lot of ways.
I'm a child, I guess that's part of life. But here's what I'm doing: I'm renouncing my political opinion.
I carry no interest until the day where the great revolution/fight against the Aliens arrives and we form Starfleet. But for now? I'm happy to take my seat out on being interested in anything post 1890. Yes, anything after then. But if you want a debate on the evolution of republics and imperialism and federal reforms I will one day be your guy to ask. As for the more modern stuff? My mark stops after I sign the petition and hand it around online. I don't want the argument or my opinion asked. Because it just makes me want to look up and say: "If I wasn't a Pacifist, I would destroy the world."
Though I'll enjoy my Political fiction. Just like I enjoy my Sci-Fi; it'll be nice to have some hope out there. And I'll vote one day because I still think getting the right man/woman to represent you on some big scheme is worth doing. But I can't do anything more then because it just makes me terribly down. And I already have a natural deposition of that so it'll be nice to try and get a lighter load up in the ol' noggen.
I'd like to thank my brother for this.
For those of you who haven't clicked, the title's a poetic metaphor saying that the bag is my brain and I'm emptying it out of its woes by not caring as much about all this any more.
And Dom, being very intolerant of people just moaning and not changing attitude to stop moaning, told me to just be quiet sign the petition and tune out. I looked oddly, conversation carried on and we continued to talk of current affairs. I didn't add as much but you know - conversation carried on etc. But what Dom said got me thinking. What I said before that just got me pondering too. Well, actually, I'm lying. I've felt like this for some time now. Generally; I like to know how Governments should work. I like some Political fiction (such as West Wing) and come across as "politically minded."
But over time I've begun to realise: I like knowing how different forms of Government work, I like idealised politics on TV and generally when I can see a fantasy play out in a world where things seems purer. And I'm not upset about this.
I like Political History. And Political Theory, just say "well gee; imagine if were using this and this". On top of that - I happen to like fictional politics. Why? Because it's the same reason I like science fiction like Star Trek: it gives me hope. That humans can achieve things, that people will do good things fundamentally. That men, even with power, are very very human. But it's sort-of a big lie: that's why we have WikiLeaks and Anonymous - because of the corruption around us. And speaking as a young man, I found that very difficult to deal with a lot of ways.
I'm a child, I guess that's part of life. But here's what I'm doing: I'm renouncing my political opinion.
I carry no interest until the day where the great revolution/fight against the Aliens arrives and we form Starfleet. But for now? I'm happy to take my seat out on being interested in anything post 1890. Yes, anything after then. But if you want a debate on the evolution of republics and imperialism and federal reforms I will one day be your guy to ask. As for the more modern stuff? My mark stops after I sign the petition and hand it around online. I don't want the argument or my opinion asked. Because it just makes me want to look up and say: "If I wasn't a Pacifist, I would destroy the world."
Though I'll enjoy my Political fiction. Just like I enjoy my Sci-Fi; it'll be nice to have some hope out there. And I'll vote one day because I still think getting the right man/woman to represent you on some big scheme is worth doing. But I can't do anything more then because it just makes me terribly down. And I already have a natural deposition of that so it'll be nice to try and get a lighter load up in the ol' noggen.
I'd like to thank my brother for this.
For those of you who haven't clicked, the title's a poetic metaphor saying that the bag is my brain and I'm emptying it out of its woes by not caring as much about all this any more.
Sunday 2 June 2013
Revision Log#4: History sucks.
I want to learn Present. I'd be good at that because I'm aware of current events right now - damn it! (Actually, to be truthful, I'm a tad far behind on what's on in the world this week but with the wonders of modern technology: I can catch up).
History exam tomorrow looks like a very horrific force of unnatural creation that I'm being forced to sit that needs a longer time then just an hour and a quarter, jam packed with far too many things to remember due to modules being so broad instead of specifying.
Oh, did I mention how insane the exam technique of the entirety of the first section (examination of sources) is? Yeah, it's completely mad.
Now I'm trying to gather thoughts together to make sure that I'm on check with everything but outside of the land of exams I'm being stretched to every corner in my fucking mind. It's full of idea at the most inconvenient of times and woes that aren't quite making their temporal exit whilst I face this challenge. It feels like there's so much to learn because everything is written in dense text.
All I have to do is get through this exam and I'm closing to finishing now more then ever. Because god damn it - I want to get this one over and done with. The most nerve wrecking due to me wanting to become a History teacher (more on that in a less insane moment of my life).
I don't feel as half as prepared as last year, haven't touched a past paper and feel like my brain is going to fall out. Why am I being stupid even in my own damn subject? This is incredibly tough. Hmph. 60 kids (more or less) doing the same exam. I should stop moaning and just deal with it, possibly.
To think - these are some of the easiest I'll sit. Argh.
Revision log, out.
History exam tomorrow looks like a very horrific force of unnatural creation that I'm being forced to sit that needs a longer time then just an hour and a quarter, jam packed with far too many things to remember due to modules being so broad instead of specifying.
Oh, did I mention how insane the exam technique of the entirety of the first section (examination of sources) is? Yeah, it's completely mad.
Now I'm trying to gather thoughts together to make sure that I'm on check with everything but outside of the land of exams I'm being stretched to every corner in my fucking mind. It's full of idea at the most inconvenient of times and woes that aren't quite making their temporal exit whilst I face this challenge. It feels like there's so much to learn because everything is written in dense text.
All I have to do is get through this exam and I'm closing to finishing now more then ever. Because god damn it - I want to get this one over and done with. The most nerve wrecking due to me wanting to become a History teacher (more on that in a less insane moment of my life).
I don't feel as half as prepared as last year, haven't touched a past paper and feel like my brain is going to fall out. Why am I being stupid even in my own damn subject? This is incredibly tough. Hmph. 60 kids (more or less) doing the same exam. I should stop moaning and just deal with it, possibly.
To think - these are some of the easiest I'll sit. Argh.
Revision log, out.
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