Thing about me is#3!

To begin, I quote a lyric from a song called "Tina's Glorious Comeback" by an artist Dan Mangan (who I definitely recommend checking out!):

"I'm ambitious when giving up

Never thinking clear enough"

This is sort of what this blog post is about. I am not a very ambitious person. That isn't to say I'm lazy. Well, yes, I'm lazy. I should go get a job and do more 'round the house and be cooking for myself instead of just waiting on dear ol' Mumsy to help out. But that's not, I don't think, in connection to my lack of ambition. My laziness will be covered another time--Too lazy to do it now! *Dum Dum Tiss* 

Anyway, enough of my bad-blog-humour. I should get onto this now. 

I'm unambitious. That's not because of lack of trying. I've tried to be ambitious in the past but it doesn't seem to go anywhere. Maybe that's something to do with what I believe. Or, I should say, 'life-views' that I've begun to believe. Or maybe that I am incredibly young and it makes me incredibly distracted. I would say 80% of my life is being distracted form what I'm meant to be doing. 

There was a time where I felt it was my 'destiny' to have my name written into the stars and live forever with my writing. And for a while, that was comforting. It meant that I could go: "oh, great hardship that's come my way? It's just to make my life story more filmable, haha!" Sort of thing. Yet over time, I found over time that made me go: Argh, why cannot I live within in mediocrity! Why can't I just be someone who can live a plain life and not have this hardship on my shoulders! 

Adding onto that, I felt everything I did - such as get 'average grades' was not living up to the person I had already built. So it basically ended up with me going into an endless cycle of just thinking I could be more but never reaching my potential but trying to then questioning if maybe I had reached my potential and everything was a lie. This, emotionally, became rather tedious for my friends and I can't say I was that big of a fan of it either. I write. And then compare. Then I go "I'M MEANT FOR MORE" then I wasn't doing 'more'. And thus, it added to a build-up of a lot of things at one stage.

There are other interests I hold that I was rather ambitious at going into. Politics, for instance. I'd built up a West Wing styled career for myself, I as the moral puritan of Politics with a golden touch. But would be sent back down to reality when I'd meet an apathetic voter or cynic, who would say "ooh, politics? Well, you 'ave to know the right people!" And it seem just delusion. My ambition to become a great Communications Strategist in the field was deflated.

It seemed everything I was destined to be so great at, the things I once had great ambition for, were near-impossible to break into and just seemed like luck. And it's the same now with the careers that I'm interested in. But something almost magical happened over the course of roughly four months where I realised I didn't need to know where my end point was and it'll eventually turn out all okay: 

I stopped giving a fuck. 

Yes, it's cruel. It sounds like I don't care about my education. But, it doesn't mean I show apathy towards everything in life. It just means though I'm trying to do my best I have no end-point. It just seems like one exam hall to the other. And I realised: that is okay. Why? Because it's not necessarily about having that end-point or having that ambitious streak within you. Sometimes it's about just getting through and making sure you live with little regret and also to be happy and to have fun. 

For me, that's what life gets to be about. I get up with a mentality of being happy because frankly, I'm part of an almost meaningless life in the great, grand cosmological scheme of things. Life has little meaning and the only time is has meaning to it is when one applies their own meaning to it. That's a grand old philosophy that I've truly began to believe in. But if life can be defined, I think it's about, you know living. In an age where "Uni's impossible to get into" and "there are no jobs out there" it really got me thinking: why I am trying to seek everything and try to make something when you don't know what'll happen. At all. 

So here's what I do instead: Hey look here, these exams currently have meaning in my life. Let's just do them and hope they go well then I can spend my summer lounging about/hanging with friends/creating fun, meaningful memories for everyone. My ambitions and hopes and dreams is that whatever the hell I am doing at this current point in time will or is making me happy. Currently that seems to be the case. Which is, y'know, good.

Don't get me wrong: those ambitious types aren't bad people or unhappy even. I'm just not one of them currently. So, readers, the thing about me is...I'm ambitious when giving up. But I like to think I am always thinking clear enough. Or, to put it simpler: I lack ambition for my future and the only ambition I hold is that I carry on the road of happiness.